Man Waiting Until Wife And Kids Asleep To Go Masturbate Under Christmas Tree

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Staying up late to make sure he could pleasure himself without anyone noticing, local man Dylan Utley was reportedly waiting until his wife and kids were asleep Sunday to go and masturbate under the Christmas tree. “Hopefully I can be really quiet so as to not wake anyone up while I lie under the…

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The Onion 

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