A Viking’s Travel Guide for Your Next Voyage to Vancouver

If you’re reading this, I can only imagine that you’ve saved up enough silver penningar to take your family to British Columbia’s mightiest attraction: the mythic land of Vancouver. I commend you for consulting me, Sigrid Ødgerkårktokestengaard, son of Gunnar and Hilda Ødgerkårktokestengaard. In this travel guide, I’ve compiled together everything you need to know before you take your Icelandic family pillaging toward Canada’s crown jewel.*

*Note: “Crown Jewel” is just a phrase used by locals. If they were real precious stones, I would’ve looted them by now.

Transportation

Traversing the lands of Vancouver can prove to be quite difficult. Many factors should be considered in choosing a mode of transportation like price, convenience, comfort, and the legality of Nordic war horses.

Consider taking advantage of the city’s bicycling culture. The bikes are low cost and convenient, despite their inability to carry long swords, shields, and the severed heads of your enemies.

If you are in a hurry, you can always use modern technology like Über. Simply go up to any Vancouverite and hold your battle axe up to their feeble neck. They will then use their sorcery to summon a metal chariot.

The Annual Nordic Mutilation Festival

Apparently, this was outlawed centuries ago. If this is a deal-breaker for you and your family, I totally understand.

Food & Nightlife

For all you foodies out there, you should know that very few alehouses carry mead, let alone fresh horsemeat. You’ll have to bring your own. Also, be mindful that Vancouverites insist on cooking their food.

And for those travelers looking to pass the time with jolly entertainment, this village is not the place for you. Vancouver is dull. There are little to no archery competitions, and the ones that do exist refuse to use human targets. I have searched far and wide for a decent skald to sing battle hymns but have found Vancouver only offers a jester named Michael Büble. His songs were boring and said nothing about The Battle of Assandun.*

*Note: keep in mind Vancouver does not allow you to de-limb performers.

Lodging

Airbnbs can be a bit tricky. Just because an unknown family invites you into their home does NOT mean you can seize their livestock and have your way with their wife(s). Airbnb is a novel concept, but keep in mind it is a temporary arrangement; even though you have access to their dishware and bedding, I still advise against etching any runes into the drywall of their living room. If you MUST pillage their homestead, wait until the end of your stay. The Vancouverites are sore losers when it comes to plundering (and they might keep your security deposit).

Whale Watching

Vancouver’s Pacific coast is home to some of the world’s tastiest and most appetizing marine life. Like most of you, I assumed we were paying to watch the whales be sacrificed to the God of Thunder, but as it turned out, slaughtering marine life is strictly prohibited. Whale watching is a passive exercise consisting of sitting and watching the succulent whales swim by, WITHOUT harming them. Speaking from experience, I’d suggest taking your family out to the forest for a nice meal* before, just so no one gets hungry and accidentally catches, skins, and rips into a Beluga whale in front of an unsuspecting family.

*Note: I left 20 pounds of salted beavertail outside the Red Oak Forest.

Final Notes

This guide will serve as a worthy companion to anyone hoping to raid Vancouver, however, there are many questions left unanswered about this arcane land. For instance, what are trains? Where are the great fur traders? When is season 3 of Canada’s Got Talent airing? If you find yourself in trouble during your voyage, simply blow into an ox’s horn and one of my clan’s landowning chieftains will come to your aid. Just make sure not to blow the battle call—that will signal our clan’s mightiest warriors to sail forth and butcher anyone in their path.

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