Top Seven Essential, Must-See, Can’t-Miss Destinations If You’re a Migrating Goose

Greenland

Greenland in the summer is gaggle goals. The midnight sun is a vibe, the gleaming Icefjord beckons, and swarms of honking geese flap and poop everywhere. Don’t miss snacking on local grasses that embody Greenland’s terroir and parading around like you own the place all while letting those cool North Atlantic breezes ruffle your feathers (in a good way).

Bar Harbor, Maine

Honk if you love pine trees! So chic, so luxe, so full of rose-soaked French fries and whoopie pies for the stealing, Bar Harbor is a great little town in which to set your webbed feet down. As a bonus, the hard gray pebble beaches offer a 100% natural exfoliating treatment.

Pro tip: a favorite, much-loved outdoor bathroom—oops, we mean art installation—is the Maine Sculpture Trail.

Cape Cod, Massachusetts

The real ones know there is only one cape, and it’s called “the Cape,” and it’s a seriously stunning place to rest your tired wings before you rise and fly. The reeds rush and the air smells like honeysuckle. Late-season blueberries burst with sweetness in your upper mandible and remind you of the idyllic childhood summers you never had because your parents split up when you were young (which was weird, because geese typically mate for life, and it’s not like you needed another reason to feel like an awkward freak) and you went to live with your great aunt who just went on all day about how in her day geese were expected to stick around and not immediately fly south the second it got a little cold.

Here on the Cape the setting sun colors the sky orange and pink, and you think, maybe you’d like to stay in one place for a while, you know? Instead of always migrating, migrating, migrating, always hustling to outspeed the earth as it revolves around the sun. You could get used to this—a quiet, soft life by the sea.

But no. A bitter berry snaps you back to reality. You gotta move. You’re already late. You take one last crap on a hydrangea in full bloom, get into vee formation, and go.

Atlantic City New Jersey

Atlantic City is a song, it’s a mood, it’s a feeling. What this Jersey Shore hotspot lacks in charm it makes up for in the salt water taffy, funnel cake, french fries, and hoagies that litter the boardwalk in the early morning hours. Absolutely don’t miss: waddling your way down to the shoreline to dabble in shallow water, honking and hissing at the some seagulls, and then relieving yourself on a sea-worn railing.

Miami, Florida

If you love glitz and glam then you’ll love Miami, or, as some call it, “me-goose-me.” Most geese flock to South Beach to see and be seen, but there’s also a ton of stuff to do including pooping, honking, head pumping, and mingling with other migrating species. Don’t think about the Cape. Think about how good that Cuban sandwich is going to taste once you swoop down and grab it in your beak and then flap away to enjoy your snack in the hot, humid Florida climate. You’re so close!

Havana, Cuba

Havana is a must-do layover where the heady scent of mariposa perfumes the air and pastel classic cars line the streets. A great self-care practice is to touch down in Havana and poop a little, steal some plantains and then honk and hiss along to some salsa music.

Cancun, Mexico

Ahhhhh, you made it, you’re here for your extended stay in paradise. Cancun where geese go to breed and make memories in the hot white sand because, ass it turns out, this journey is actually all about the destination. Non-migratory birds have no idea what they’re missing, and thank God you didn’t stay in sleepy boring Cape Cod, you’d be a frozen goose-icle right now! Eff that place. Remember, what happens in Cancun stays in Cancun, and what happens in Cancun is this: mating, honking, hissing, waddling, stealing tacos and then taking a lovely leisurely crap out by the pool. Bliss.

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