Hey baby, it’s me. I hope your day’s going well. I was just thinking about you, I know you have a big presentation at work today. Let me know how it goes, okay? My day is good, not too bad, except… Oh, you know…
Okay, I’m just going to come right out and say it. I was on my daily walk to the dairy farm at the end of the street, and one thing led to another, and now I am stuck at the bottom of the well. I tried to climb out by hoisting myself up on the little wooden bucket, but it broke off and now I’m stuck down here.
So like, I really don’t want to be a burden, but would you mind coming to help me? Only if it’s on your way home from the office. Please just ignore me if this is any inconvenience at all. Like, seriously, I’m fine! I have plenty of fresh drinking water, a cool bucket, and 50… 55… 56 cents! So, don’t even worry about it!
But… if it isn’t too much trouble, I would love it if you could stop by and help me get out. It won’t take long, maybe five or ten minutes? I can try climbing again if you think it would help. Please, come help me, it would mean so much to me. Please…
Please come over, baby. Please. I’m begging you. I’m on my knees. I can’t do this without you. I need you to come help me. I need you, baby. Make all my wishes come true. It’s so lonely in this well, and I’m at rock bottom – literally. And I know that this is a problem only you can solve. I need someone strong and capable like you to come over and give me a hand… or two hands… or even just a finger. Or, you know, you could fall in, too. It might be a little tight, but I think there’s enough space. Just me, and you, and–
Ouch! Sorry, baby, someone just tossed in a coin. Cool, a nickel! Now I’m up to… 61 cents—score! Make a wish, baby. *plink* Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, that’s right. Just me, and you, and…
Screw this. I won’t let you and your animal magnetism distract me from the fact that I’ve been talking to your voicemail for 3 minutes and 28 seconds while you’re off doing God knows what with God knows who! What about me, huh? Where’s my knight in shining armor?
I bet Jared from my college debate team would have been here by now. He’s a good man, and I always thought that he cared about me. No, I am not sleeping with him—don’t even go there. This is bigger than sex. This is about trust, baby. Real, grown-up trust. This flighty, mysterious act isn’t going to work forever. I always told myself that once I graduated, I wouldn’t let you string me along like this anymore. And now look at us!
I wish I wasn’t stuck at the bottom of a well.
*plink*
I wish I wasn’t down here all alone. I wish I knew where you were!
*plink PLINK*
I wish someone was here helping me. I wish I had a partner I could rely on. I wish Jared hadn’t transferred to a state school after our sophomore year!
*plink PLINK PLINK*
I wish we could take a break and see other people for a little while. Or… forever!
*PLINK*
… By the way, if you’re not coming, do you think you could send the fire department?
