{"id":1003,"date":"2023-01-12T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-12T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/2023\/01\/12\/a-few-words-before-the-opening-of-bagel-bites-the-musical\/"},"modified":"2023-01-12T13:00:00","modified_gmt":"2023-01-12T13:00:00","slug":"a-few-words-before-the-opening-of-bagel-bites-the-musical","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/2023\/01\/12\/a-few-words-before-the-opening-of-bagel-bites-the-musical\/","title":{"rendered":"A Few Words Before the Opening of \u201cBagel Bites the Musical\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

A<\/span>lright, everyone, gather \u2018round! Hurry, only five minutes to curtain! Join hands and enter \u201cthe energy circle.\u201d That means you, too crew!<\/p>\n

Now close your eyes, find your breath, and center yourself. As director, choreographer, intimacy coordinator, caterer, and star, I\u2019d like to say a few words before the world premiere of Bagel Bites the Musical.<\/em><\/p>\n

They said it couldn\u2019t be done. That it was one note. One thirty-second song. They said the stage was no place for a microwave. But I said, \u201cWhen pizza\u2019s on a bagel, you can have pizza on Broadway!\u201d And now the haters are gonna eat their words like a saturated fat-soaked afterschool snack. It\u2019s like I always say: you can\u2019t have Grease<\/em> without a little pepperoni!<\/p>\n

I want to thank all of you for your sacrifice and dedication. What a journey it\u2019s been. Some of you probably didn\u2019t think you\u2019d make it this far. From grueling rehearsals that stretched from morning to evening to suppertime, to the weight gain from method eating\u2014you\u2019ve arrived fully cooked and saucy as hell.<\/p>\n

To Rebecca, my leading lady. My Fantine. Do you remember when we first ran our showstopping, open-mouthed kissing scene? And how draining it was to baby bird a piping hot Bagel Bite each time we frenched? And how, after your brief nervous breakdown, you finally accepted that this is the best you can do in life? Don\u2019t you think every exhausted mother in the crowd, serving their children pizza on a bagel at 8:30 AM because just maybe it will shut them up for ten minutes, won\u2019t see themselves in you?<\/p>\n

Remember, the bagels are bite-sized\u2014not the roles. This gloriously gory, gluten-packed story is only as strong as its weakest link. I\u2019m looking at you, Braxton. For the last time, do not aggressively suck air while chewing\u2014I don\u2019t care how lava hot that mouthful is. I swear, if you fuck this up for me, your dancing career will go from backup bagel to toast.<\/p>\n

People, don\u2019t forget why you do this. Why you found yourself on the wrong side of midnight on a stage slick with blood, sweat, and, sausage slime. Remember the joy you feel watching the sunrise knowing you can have pizza anytime.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t lose a crowd that wants to be found! Go out there and see these people. Then show them the very essence of themselves. Remind them that all it takes to make the world go \u2018round is a spinning plate inside a microwave set to HIGH for two minutes. Then show them those 120 seconds for three radiant hours of theater inappropriate for children under the age of 18.<\/p>\n

The microwaves are shining bright on Broadway tonight! The world gave us a dry mini bagel, but we topped it with marinara, melody, and sexual meats. Now all that\u2019s left is to move the bowels of the theatre. Remember, after the final curtain falls, let them sit and cool off for a full minute. It\u2019s a lot to take in. The slurs. The raw sensuality of mozzarella mixed with full frontal. The final bloody bagel ballad. It needs to be savored.<\/p>\n

Places, everyone! Go out there and burn a tongue!<\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Alright, everyone, gather \u2018round! Hurry, only five minutes to curtain! Join hands and enter \u201cthe energy circle.\u201d That means you, too crew! Now close your eyes, find your breath, and center yourself. As director, choreographer, intimacy coordinator, caterer, and star, I\u2019d like to say a few words before the world premiere of Bagel Bites the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":1004,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1003","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/pizza-bites-microwave-stage-theater-1024x512-ssdre1.jpeg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1003"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1003"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1003\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1004"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1003"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1003"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1003"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}