{"id":393,"date":"2022-12-29T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-12-29T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/2022\/12\/29\/andy-cohen-drunkenly-hosts-other-holidays\/"},"modified":"2022-12-29T13:00:00","modified_gmt":"2022-12-29T13:00:00","slug":"andy-cohen-drunkenly-hosts-other-holidays","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/2022\/12\/29\/andy-cohen-drunkenly-hosts-other-holidays\/","title":{"rendered":"Andy Cohen Drunkenly Hosts Other Holidays"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cWe will be back, and we will be drunk.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2014 Andy Cohen, upon hearing that CNN banned on-air drinking during its 2023 New Year\u2019s Eve festivities<\/em><\/p>\n

T<\/span>his year, CNN banned anchors from imbibing on New Year\u2019s Eve. Fortunately for longtime host Andy Cohen, the network didn\u2019t say anything about getting sloshed during other holiday celebrations.<\/p>\n

Valentine\u2019s Day<\/h4>\n

\u201cGooooooood morning, New York City! And Happy Valentine\u2019s Day, lovebirds. Here\u2019s a little poem I wrote: Roses are blue, violets are red, Ramona Singer\u2019s outfit has left me absolutely dead. My heart has LITERALLY stopped thumpin\u2019 and pumpin’\u2013 Hold on a sec, the producers are telling me that I can\u2019t say the words, \u2018thumpin\u2019 and pumpin\u2019 live on air. \u2018You can use pump as a noun but not a verb, Andy\u2019\u2026 COWARDS! Anyway, here\u2019s to love. Summer love\u2026 Courtney Love\u2026 fifteen-love\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Labor Day<\/h4>\n

\u201cHere\u2019s what they won\u2019t tell you about Karl Marx: He\u2019s a daddy! Look at that delicious beard, those sultry eyes, that ironclad commitment to freeing the proletariat\u2026 I\u2019d like to own the product of his labor. And that communist manly chest-o\u2026 talk about seizing the means of reproduction. So everybody raise a glass\u2014this drink goes out to the workers of the world! Unite!\u201d<\/p>\n

Passover<\/h4>\n

\u201cAnd another thing: that Pharoah guy doesn\u2019t know the half of it. We\u2019re sending him frogs, we\u2019re sending him boils, we\u2019re sending him blood\u2026 we\u2019re sending him to The Smith for brunch on a Sunday! Now that\u2019s a real plague. Don\u2019t do it, ladies and gents! Just stay home and munch on your matzo\u2026 Oh, and that reminds me\u2013 I have a secret about Anderson Cooper. Everybody lean in close. He believes marriage is between one man and one Manischewitz. I\u2019ll tell you what makes this night different from all other nights: FOUR FREE GLASSES OF RED WINE!\u201d<\/p>\n

Thanksgiving<\/h4>\n

\u201cNow, in my house, our tradition is to skip the turkey and instead tuck into a big, delicious, bag of booger sugar together\u2026 and before you ask\u2014yes, it\u2019s legal in my zip code! Which I\u2019m pretty sure is the same defense used by Theresa Giudice. ANYWAY, this year, I\u2019m feeling extra grateful, thankful, and, well, just plain full of the love of my life\u2026 the fire of my loins\u2026 a little man named Don Julio. Ever heard of him? And as long as we\u2019re doing confessions\u2014shoutout to Usher!\u2014I better come clean about my side boo, Jose Cuervo.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tax Day<\/h4>\n

\u201cLook, I\u2019m gonna say it: Don Lemon hasn\u2019t paid taxes since Bethenny Frankel had a real nose\u2026 1996, at the latest!\u201d<\/p>\n

Christmas<\/h4>\n

\u201cTonight, I want to pour one out to the world\u2019s most famous Jew, born on this very night two thousand and [unintelligible] years ago: the man brave enough to rock a tunic and a beard LONG before they were doin\u2019 it in Brooklyn\u2026 though, might I say, no man should be wearing open-toed shoes, no matter how holy the tootsies. At the very least, get a pedicure. I mean, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ\u2014you\u2019re the OG nepo-baby, you can afford it. Anyway, here\u2019s to a sloppy night, tipsy night! Amen!\u201d<\/p>\n

Mother\u2019s Day<\/h4>\n

\u201cYou know what, I\u2019ll say it, since nobody else seems to have the balls\u2014or in honor of today, the BOOBS: My mom is a MILF. Total MILF. You look great, Evelyn. Don\u2019t let anyone tell you otherwise. You know what, can we bring my mom out here? Come on out here, mom, and shake what Nana Irene gave you!\u201d<\/p>\n

School Picture Day<\/h4>\n

\u201cNEW GAME ALERT: You\u2019ve heard of shot for shot. But today, I\u2019m going shot for shot for shot. That\u2019s right, I\u2019m going to take a shot of tequila every time one of these precious little kindergarteners gets their picture taken\u2026 and then another shot every time I fire off an iconic Andy Cohen zinger. For example\u2014okay, we have Ruby over here. And I have to be honest: mixing a Peppa Pig shirt and a Daniel Tiger headband\u2026 fortune favors the bold, but this is giving less Versace, more hibachi\u2026 less fashion\u2026 more trash, hon. Shot, shot, shot. And Oliver? The camera adds ten pounds! Tilt your head up, you\u2019re six years old and that second chin isn\u2019t makin\u2019 you look any younger. That\u2019ll be one photo, plus one insult\u2026 I think that\u2019s what, like, eight shots of tequila?\u201d<\/p>\n

Winter Solstice<\/h4>\n

*starts removing clothes*<\/em><\/p>\n

Summer Solstice<\/h4>\n

*starts removing clothes*<\/em><\/p>\n

Autumnal Equinox<\/h4>\n

*starts removing clothes, including a cute scarf from Everlane*<\/em><\/p>\n

Yom Kippur<\/h4>\n

\u201cI\u2019d like to apologize for the comments I\u2019ve made on air this past year. It wasn\u2019t right to put you all through my drunken behavior, especially on such special occasions of love and togetherness\u2026<\/p>\n

PSYCH! Atone down for what, bitches!\u201d<\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cWe will be back, and we will be drunk.\u201d \u2014 Andy Cohen, upon hearing that CNN banned on-air drinking during its 2023 New Year\u2019s Eve festivities This year, CNN banned anchors from imbibing on New Year\u2019s Eve. Fortunately for longtime host Andy Cohen, the network didn\u2019t say anything about getting sloshed during other holiday celebrations. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":394,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-393","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/shots-booze-1024x512-K1lRTq.jpeg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/393"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=393"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/393\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/394"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=393"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=393"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=393"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}