{"id":627,"date":"2023-01-05T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-05T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/2023\/01\/05\/ways-i-imagined-i-might-die-when-i-was-a-kid\/"},"modified":"2023-01-05T13:00:00","modified_gmt":"2023-01-05T13:00:00","slug":"ways-i-imagined-i-might-die-when-i-was-a-kid","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/2023\/01\/05\/ways-i-imagined-i-might-die-when-i-was-a-kid\/","title":{"rendered":"Ways I Imagined I Might Die When I Was a Kid"},"content":{"rendered":"

I<\/span>\u2019m told to eat my vegetables. I eat watermelon instead, and swallow a seed by accident. A watermelon grows inside of me, crushing my organs.<\/p>\n

I walk to school and can\u2019t fight my urge to run across the street a bunch of times without looking both ways. I\u2019m entirely unharmed by passing cars but my care-free cardio triggers a deadly asthma attack.<\/p>\n

I decide not to say \u201cplease\u201d or \u201cthank you\u201d when ordering food at a restaurant and I\u2019m immediately pummeled to death by a resentful diner waitress.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m peer pressured into listening to explicit music and soon get placed in a lower reading group at school. I fall in with a bad crowd and get really into skateboarding, which is basically dying.<\/p>\n

I go unchaperoned to visit my grandma, who lives in the woods. When I arrive, I\u2019m attacked by a wolf pretending to be my grandma. I\u2019ve seen this before and survive easily until my actual grandma mistakes me for a cunning wolf antagonist and ends me with her Depression-era resourcefulness and a rolling pin.<\/p>\n

I roll down the car window while going through an automated car wash. It\u2019s raining suds and I\u2019m elated. This is the best decision I\u2019ve ever made until the machinery grabs me and turns me into human spaghetti.<\/p>\n

I talk to a stranger who immediately abducts me. He returns me home completely unharmed but only after he has instilled in me a passion for magic. Soon after, I\u2019m pulling a rabbit from a hat in front of a thoroughly delighted school talent show audience when I learn I\u2019m deathly allergic to rabbits.<\/p>\n

My parents are out of town and I\u2019m supposed to listen to the babysitter. The babysitter is an axe murderer. I\u2019m extremely prepared for the situation and have booby-trapped the entire house. I fall for one of my own clever tricks and my hungry ant farm eats me alive.<\/p>\n

I make fun of a kid at school. Later, the kid reads me my fortune using a paper fortune teller. It predicts that I\u2019ll die during recess and I do.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m supposed to wait to take a second helping of food until everyone has had their first helping. I take seconds anyway and snag a choice piece of watermelon. I swallow a seed by accident and a whole piece of fruit grows inside me. That\u2019s okay, I thrive on the nutrients and become regionally famous. Come harvest time, there\u2019s a knock on the door. It\u2019s a farmer. He cuts me open for my tummy fruit and I die.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m overcome with excitement during arts and crafts and break into a full sprint after grabbing scissors. I trip and am entirely uninjured so I finish making a rustic holiday ornament. Later, my parents put the ornament on our Christmas tree where nobody can see it and I die of disappointment.<\/p>\n

I run away from home and get lost in the woods. I handle the situation with extreme maturity and eventually navigate my way home, and, in so doing, fall in love with nature. I join the Boy Scouts and win all of the badges for knot tying before accidentally, and irreversibly, tying myself to an extremely angry beehive.<\/p>\n

I imagine surviving my childhood despite never listening to my parents. I raise a family of my own and we take a road trip. We\u2019re enjoying large roadside attractions when I swallow a watermelon seed by accident. It\u2019s okay, it was a white seed. As I laugh at my close call and my nuanced imagination, I\u2019m rolled over by an award-winningly large watermelon.<\/p>\n

Read More<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m told to eat my vegetables. I eat watermelon instead, and swallow a seed by accident. A watermelon grows inside of me, crushing my organs. I walk to school and can\u2019t fight my urge to run across the street a bunch of times without looking both ways. I\u2019m entirely unharmed by passing cars but my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":0,"featured_media":628,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-627","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-humor"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/kid-eating-watermelon-1024x512-m2ZZ1R.jpeg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/627"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=627"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/627\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/628"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=627"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=627"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/loonregistrar.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=627"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}