Conversation Topics Short Enough to Complete with My Barber While I, a Nearly Entirely Bald 55-Year-Old Man, Get My Hair Cut
My sex life as a teenager.
The positive nutritional qualities of any granola bar that lists chocolate as an ingredient.
Tucker Carlson’s sense of irony.
Areas of American cultural life not entirely dominated by the discussion of Taylor Swift.
How little love I have for my next-door neighbor Dan, who, though he borrowed it four years ago, has yet to return my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
The ways that Elon Musk has improved Twitter.
Houseplants that have lasted more than a month under my care.
My sex life during my 20s.
How many “thoughts” and/or “prayers” pro-gun politicians actually have for victims of gun violence.
The Shakespearean depth of Fast & Furious installments 3 through X.
The uses of a spare Stihl 36-volt battery, what with my next-door neighbor Dan not returning my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
The creative, intellectual, and physical shortcomings of Beyoncé.
Completely legal reasons to use cryptocurrency.
Any sports or entertainment award ceremony ever televised that was worth watching in its entirety.
The attractiveness of my yard, given the weeds growing everywhere, on account of my next-door neighbor Dan not returning my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
How much Rep. Elise Stefanik, who grilled Ivy League presidents about campus anti-semitism but whose social media posts have associated Democratic politicians with George Soros and are continually laced with ideas related to “great replacement theory,” really cares about anti-semitism.
My sex life during my 30s.
Good reasons for anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances, to buy, make, or consume a blueberry bagel.
How welcome I was at the last two years’ neighborhood block parties, the local kids having gotten ticks when they played in the weeds growing near my fence, on account of my next-door neighbor Dan not returning my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
Emails opening “Dear friend” that are not solicitations for a non-profit, a politician, or a temporarily down-on-his-luck Nigerian prince.
New Year’s resolutions that last beyond approximately January 18th.
Rigorous scientific evidence claiming positive health effects of smoking, disproving humans’ role in global warming, or identifying any redeeming qualities of my next-door neighbor Dan, who has not returned my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
The Kardashian family’s contributions to American civilization and/or political discourse.
My sex life during my 40s.
The length of time I’ve spent in a museum beyond an hour that did not involve frequent checking of my watch, my phone, or whether I still had a pulse.
What public purpose there could possibly be in fining people $400 for public nuisance for an unkempt property, just because they live next door to Dan, who has not returned their Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker.
Reasons why billionaires would want to endure two weeks on vacation with Clarence Thomas other than that he’s a Supreme Court justice.
Self-help books that have actually helped me.
The time I spend thinking about my next-door neighbor, Dan. Or my Stihl 60 R 36-volt weed wacker
The continued baseball dominance of the New York Mets.
My current sex life.