Man Sleeping On Sidewalk Must Not Know About Heat Advisory

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he hadn’t taken any of the recommended precautions despite a heat index expected to top 100 degrees Fahrenheit, sources confirmed local man Darren Cooper, seen…

Megabus Declares Bankruptcy

Coach USA, which owns Megabus lines connecting New York and New Jersey, filed for bankruptcy following a decline in ridership, with the company owing creditors between $100…

I’m the Check, and Before You Split Me Thirty-Seven Ways, Can I Please Just Say This One Thing?

Slap! Wow. What. A. Night. You guys didn’t hold back, huh? Good for you. I mean, I am long. I’m practically slithering off the end of this…

Woman Makes It Through Another Day Having Strange Interactions That Make Everyone Uncomfortable

HOUSTON—Exhausted from her 16-hour shift of failing to meet an already very low bar of behavioral norms, local woman Zoe Briers told reporters Tuesday she had made…

Experts Recommend Setting Aside At Least 3 Months’ Salary For Engaged Friend’s Bachelorette Party

DURHAM, NC—Solidifying previously unspoken guidelines regarding one’s financial obligations in advance of a wedding, bridal-industry experts are now recommending that Americans set aside at least three months’…

OtterBox Releases Flattering Ruched Cases For Larger Phones

Read more… The Onion 

Biden Will Not Commute Son Hunter’s Sentence

President Joe Biden stated that he will not use his power as commander in chief to lessen the sentence of his son Hunter, who was convicted on…

Frustrated Studio Execs Unsure How To Convince Public That Lego Pharrell Williams Movie Actually Happening

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that they recently hit a wall while marketing the upcoming film, frustrated studio executives from Universal Pictures told reporters Monday they were unsure how to…

Report: Every Place On Earth Has Wrong Amount Of Water

RESTON, VA—A new global report released Monday by the U.S. Geological Survey revealed that every place on earth currently has the wrong amount of water. “New satellite…

That Show That’s ‘Game Of Thrones’ But Not Called That Has Record-Breaking Season Premiere

Read more… The Onion