Physical Therapy Office Politely Declines Daniel Jones’ Offer Of Framed, Signed Jersey For Wall
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Insisting repeatedly that they just didn’t have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones’ offer Friday of…
Tips For Getting Diagnosed With ADHD As An Adult
As awareness of the condition has grown, so have diagnoses and self-diagnoses of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in adults. The Onion presents tips for those seeking an…
Hydrothermal Explosion At Yellowstone Blasts Debris Into Sky
A surprise eruption in Yellowstone National Park shot steam, water, and dark-colored rocks and dirt high into the sky, sending alarmed sightseers running for safety. What do…
Delight At Receiving Breakfast In Bed Mitigated By Difficulty Of Eating While Horizontal
TAMPA, FL—Explaining that his plate was positioned perpendicular to, rather than parallel with, his mouth, local man Dominic Worley told reporters Thursday that his delight at being…
I Am Tired of the Entertainment Industry Being Populated Exclusively by Beppo Babies (People Who Grew up Eating at the Italian Chain Restaurant Buca Di Beppo)
I‘ll admit it: I’m an aspiring actor and writer. I work hard at what I do, and I’d love to be able to believe that the industry…
Fact-Checking J.D. Vance’s ‘Hillbilly Elegy’
Sales for Hillbilly Elegy, the 2016 memoir written by J.D. Vance, are soaring again after the Ohio senator was selected as Donald Trump’s running mate. The Onion…
Biden Drops Out Of Presidential Race
President Joe Biden ended his reelection bid and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris to succeed him, saying in a statement posted to his official X account that,…
Netanyahu Addresses Congress
Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu spoke in front of Congress at the invitation of House Speaker Mike Johnson, marking the his first visit to Washington in almost…