Aries
Don’t be too quick to put away thine winter woolens. A late frost will spoil the newly sown seeds; don’t let the poisoned crops spoil thine robust health as well.
The number 6 will be a significant number for you this year. But for now, at least, you have eight children.
Taurus
Feeling whimsical? Ready to go all out with a style change? Now is definitely not the time. New and immodest fashion is strictly forbidden. So is masturbation.
Your lucky number is 4, the number of days since thine lusty thoughts have been an affront to Our Most Heavenly Father and caused you to burn the porridge.
Gemini
Goodmen: Thou can make a dramatic entrance and show off a bit of leg with cropped breeches paired with a high-waisted jerkin and wide-brimmed hat.
Goodwives: Remember thou dost not have legs.
Cancer
Express your individuality and personality with hand-dyed ribbons, of a dull color. Twirl them while Justice Stoughton pronounces sentence on Goody Cole who bewitched thine oven and soured thine bread.
As a water sign, your unlucky torture device is a ducking stool and pond.
Leo
Huzzah. Be prepared for betrothal late in the year to a widower who has twelve children ranging in age from six weeks to 64 years.
Your lucky plant is hemlock. Your lucky number is not second wife.
Virgo
Thou art a social butterfly. Keep a handkerchief embroidered with 1 Corinthians 6:18 tucked into your sleeve. Recite it over and over again whenever Josiah Putnam cleaves the fields with his big plow: “Whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body, you horny slut.” Prick thine own arms repeatedly with your sewing needle. Rubbing up against a fence post is forbidden.
Your lucky accessory is a chastity belt.
Libra
Slip under the radar with a monochromatic color scheme in shades of grey, like the color of the waves that rocked the Mayflower ship, and mirrors your marred soul. It’s a conservative yet sophisticated look that won’t cause heads to turn.
Famous people who share your sign: King James II, Thomas Dudley, and Cardi B.
Scorpio
You’re a fornicatress who looks best in a cilice made of coarse goat’s hair and worn close to the skin. Your lucky goat is Angora. Your birthstone is the handful of rocks that your former Puritan besties will stone you with this autumn.
Sagittarius
One slash in thine sleeve is timeless yet edgy. Two or more is prohibited. Your unlucky number is anything greater than one.
Capricorn
As an earth sign, thou should wear earthy tones. Try golden brown, like the fine hair on Josiah’s arms. Consider taking it up a notch with touches of navy and mulberry.
Beware of skanks born under the sign of Virgo.
Aquarius
Who is morally frail? Thou art. Immoral thoughts cause your complexion to redden. Wear a modest gown and wide collar to cover yourself. The neighbors are starting to refer to you as that prostibulous slut.
Your unlucky letter is “A.”
Pisces
Keep warm with this season’s layered look. The decaying crops will cause a miasma of unhealthy air. Be prepared to die before summer.
Your lucky disease is diphtheria. Fare thee well.
