The Best Outfit for Your Star Sign According to Your Puritan Astrologer

Aries

Don’t be too quick to put away thine winter woolens. A late frost will spoil the newly sown seeds; don’t let the poisoned crops spoil thine robust health as well.

The number 6 will be a significant number for you this year. But for now, at least, you have eight children.

Taurus

Feeling whimsical? Ready to go all out with a style change? Now is definitely not the time. New and immodest fashion is strictly forbidden. So is masturbation.

Your lucky number is 4, the number of days since thine lusty thoughts have been an affront to Our Most Heavenly Father and caused you to burn the porridge.

Gemini

Goodmen: Thou can make a dramatic entrance and show off a bit of leg with cropped breeches paired with a high-waisted jerkin and wide-brimmed hat.

Goodwives: Remember thou dost not have legs.

Cancer

Express your individuality and personality with hand-dyed ribbons, of a dull color. Twirl them while Justice Stoughton pronounces sentence on Goody Cole who bewitched thine oven and soured thine bread.

As a water sign, your unlucky torture device is a ducking stool and pond.

Leo

Huzzah. Be prepared for betrothal late in the year to a widower who has twelve children ranging in age from six weeks to 64 years.

Your lucky plant is hemlock. Your lucky number is not second wife.

Virgo

Thou art a social butterfly. Keep a handkerchief embroidered with 1 Corinthians 6:18 tucked into your sleeve. Recite it over and over again whenever Josiah Putnam cleaves the fields with his big plow: “Whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body, you horny slut.” Prick thine own arms repeatedly with your sewing needle. Rubbing up against a fence post is forbidden.

Your lucky accessory is a chastity belt.

Libra

Slip under the radar with a monochromatic color scheme in shades of grey, like the color of the waves that rocked the Mayflower ship, and mirrors your marred soul. It’s a conservative yet sophisticated look that won’t cause heads to turn.

Famous people who share your sign: King James II, Thomas Dudley, and Cardi B.

Scorpio

You’re a fornicatress who looks best in a cilice made of coarse goat’s hair and worn close to the skin. Your lucky goat is Angora. Your birthstone is the handful of rocks that your former Puritan besties will stone you with this autumn.

Sagittarius

One slash in thine sleeve is timeless yet edgy. Two or more is prohibited. Your unlucky number is anything greater than one.

Capricorn

As an earth sign, thou should wear earthy tones. Try golden brown, like the fine hair on Josiah’s arms. Consider taking it up a notch with touches of navy and mulberry.

Beware of skanks born under the sign of Virgo.

Aquarius

Who is morally frail? Thou art. Immoral thoughts cause your complexion to redden. Wear a modest gown and wide collar to cover yourself. The neighbors are starting to refer to you as that prostibulous slut.

Your unlucky letter is “A.”

Pisces

Keep warm with this season’s layered look. The decaying crops will cause a miasma of unhealthy air. Be prepared to die before summer.

Your lucky disease is diphtheria. Fare thee well.

Read More 

Related Posts

What Your Behavior at a Sit-Down Concert Says About You

The shoulder sway: Live music allows you to reinvent yourself as a free spirit with a carefree attitude. Your chill new persona always feels like it will…

Persecution, Worried Conservatives, And More: This Week In Local News February 24, 2024

Read more… The Onion 

Trump Booed, Frozen Burritos, And More: This Week In Breaking News February 24, 2024

Read more… The Onion 

Satan-Controlled Celebrities, Malia Scorsese, And More: This Week In Entertainment News: February 24, 2024

Read more… The Onion 

Netanyahu’s Plans For The Future Of Gaza

Amid mounting international pressure for the Israel-Hamas war to end, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today detailed his vision for postwar Gaza, though the plans have sparked…

Yale To Begin Requiring Standardized Test Scores Again

After switching to a test-optional policy during the Covid pandemic four years ago, Yale recently reversed its decision to not require standardized testing for admission, stating that…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *