A Guide to the Various Women of My Dreams

The Woman in the Field of Daisies: We met on a perfect day, the flowers dotting the hills as far as the eye could see. On the horizon, windmills, lazily pushing clouds across a crystalline blue sky. We didn’t talk; we didn’t need to. She was everything. Compliment.

The Bog Witch: A real piece of work. As soon as the dream began, I was sinking into her mud; she’d made it in her hut to stop me from leaving. Her screech sounded like a dying crow eating glass, and every time I refused to marry her, she tore her skin off with her long, thick nails. Insult.

The Capable Ice Road Trucker: Awakened a fantasy I didn’t know I had. She was a strong woman, one who made you feel as safe in her arms as you did in her big rig. I should have felt the winter night’s cold as we made love on Lake Superior under the stars, but the heat of our passion cloaked me like an erotic duvet. Compliment.

The Priest Who Challenged Me to a Rap Battle at My Nephew’s Baptism: We’d just gathered around my sister’s beautiful boy when the organ busted out a funky riff—never a good sign. Before I knew it, a woman of the cloth named Lil Vicar was calling his anointment a disappointment. I tried to rap about religious bigotry, but my flow was all off and the judges in the pews booed me out. Insult.

The Woman Who Said It Would All Be Okay: After Dad passed, I was in a rough spot. I didn’t let myself sleep for days; I didn’t want to wake up in a world without him. But I couldn’t do it forever, and when I dreamt, I found myself in a warm room with a woman in blue. She took me into her arms, letting me cry while memories of him flashed through my mind. She gave me peace, something I can never repay. Compliment.

Six Leg Susie: I’ve never liked a woman who scuttles. I knew I wouldn’t be a fan of Susie when she crawled out from behind the dumpsters, her eyes full of hate and her mouth full of blood. I could look past all that; it was the six-legged low-rise jeans that turned me off for good. Insult.

The Girl Reading This <3: Of course it’s you; it’s always been you. It’s the way you light up every room you walk into, the way you gasp when your favorite song comes on (even though you queued it), the way you say every vowel in “caramel.” There’s nothing I want more than to start our forever together. Compliment.

The Girl Reading My Old Neopets Fanfic Aloud Wherever I Go: We all have demons from our past, and now the teenager ringing me up at Kroger knows mine. Insult.

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