Thanks for Giving Me the Exact Compliment I Definitely Wasn’t Fishing For

Linda, thank you so much for giving me the exact compliment I definitely wasn’t fishing for. I so appreciate that you noticed, on your own, how my hair was curled in perfect beachy waves. I really wasn’t expecting you to say anything! I was just flashing my big puppy dog eyes and wondering aloud if my hair looked hideous and ratty like an overstuffed wasp nest. I didn’t even think you heard my medium-quiet whisper!

You really didn’t have to be so sweet. I know I ranted for a while about how it doesn’t take a genius to figure out their hairstyle, so I must be extra dumb since I still don’t know how to handle my own monstrosity. But all of that was just me blabbering on to myself. For you to then respond by saying it always looks like I just stepped out of Dry Bar? You are too nice! How do you even know that’s the salon I go to?

*shrugs Dry Bar tote bag up higher on shoulder*

It’s so kind of you to say all that, especially considering I didn’t even ask. Seriously, are you a psychic or something? How did you know that was exactly what I needed to hear? ‘Cause for the record, I totally didn’t ask and I never would. I think it’s humiliating to fish for compliments. People who do that are just disguising their narcissism with insults, and I am NOT one of those people. I earnestly have a really low self-esteem and a depressing inner monologue. It sucks. But my utter lack of success and horrible personality are none of your concern.

*pauses, sighs for dramatic effect*

I’m really glad I ran into you though. I usually hate going to Starbucks this early because everyone looks way more put together than me, but seeing you just made my day. For real though, how good does everyone look? I don’t know how they do it. I hardly finished doing the left half of my face before I ran out the door. And you can tell, I mean look at my eyebrows. They’re so uneven and overgrown, they’re like a forest. Like a deciduous forest that’s thick with trees and hairy shrubs. Like a dirty, impenetrable forest that you have to hack your way through to even enter. Like a terrifying–

Girl, stop! You really don’t have to tell me that’s not true. You’re, like, the kindest person ever.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much this conversation has meant to me. But you must get that all the time since you’re the world’s most thoughtful human. Ugh, your life must be so amazing. You must be constantly showered with love and appreciation and I assume unbelievable sex. You’re probably getting railed, what, four, five times a week? God, you’re lucky. My husband only touches me once a month. And sure it’s the wildest, freakiest, and most acrobatic night of my life, but it doesn’t come around that often.

*ten-second sigh*

Anyway, I should probably go. My company’s about to name me “Employee of the Month,” which I don’t even deserve. All the sales I make are totally bogus because I basically make up my pitches on the spot. It’s like, have I ever heard of planning? I can’t even believe I make money at this job since most of my ideas are total garbage. Truly, I feel like every time I open my mouth it sounds like I just learned how to speak yesterday.

…right?

Linda?

Don’t you disagree…?

Wow ok, way to be rude. No, obviously I’m not expecting you to respond, I’m NOT fishing, I just didn’t think my friend would say that stuff about me. I’m a little surprised. I guess this means we’re not friends after all. I guess the only person I can really trust is myself. My stupid, naive, idiotic, ugly little self…

*flashes puppy dog eyes, somehow bigger this time*

WOW.

Still nothing!? I can’t believe you. You know what, you’re actually a very rude person. A real friend would tell me I’m hotter than everyone here, including yourself. You really need to trim your eyebrows, Linda. Have a nice life.

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