I Am the Coolest Guy at the Office

I am the coolest guy in the office. I end every email with “cheers.” My keys are on a carabiner attached to my belt; they jingle when I walk. You’d think this noise would be annoying, but it’s not. It lets you know a cool guy is on his way and you better have something good to say when I ask about your weekend.

How was my weekend? It was pretty low-key. On Friday, I went to that new Korean BBQ place with some friends. It was supposed to be a three-hour wait, but I know the chef, so we got in right away. The food was alright.

After, we went for drinks at a bar that’s hidden inside of another bar. It can only be accessed from a revolving bookshelf, by pulling on the hardcover of The Catcher in the Rye (More of a Franny and Zooey guy myself). But the bar had a decent vibe, and all the drinks were the same price the prohibition days, minus the 50-dollar cover. It was good times.

But your weekend sounds nice though, a Costco trip is always fun.

Just kidding, I’ve never been to Costco. I only shop at my local bodega and that Asian market near the park, plus I grow all my own herbs. Gardening is cool, like me.

And yes, I’ve always been this cool. Just look at this picture of me when I was a baby. I’m wearing sunglasses inside and holding an empty beer can. Yup, that’s an unlit cigarette behind my ear. My parents knew I was destined to be cool, that’s why they named me Cory.

How cool am I exactly? Well, I have buttons of bands on my jacket that you’ve never heard of. My barber wears a leather apron and doesn’t take walk-ins. I call Easter “Zombie Jesus day.” I am, by far, the coolest at this company. Way cooler than that intern who made that synth-rock album.

I’m different. Instead of knocking on your office door, I stick my head in and say, “knock knock.” Instead of saying, “You’re welcome,” I say, “You bet!” I smoked a marijuana cigarette at the Christmas party last year.

In grade school I wore fingerless gloves; my shoes flashed red when I walked. In junior high, I had a seashell necklace with a guitar pic on the end. In 8th grade, I did a kick-flip off the stage in the auditorium. So yeah, I’ve got a history of being cool.

My Saturday night wasn’t so bad either. Went out to Brooklyn and saw a show at Saint Vitus. The band was okay, though I preferred their older stuff. The venue was packed but I didn’t have to wait for drinks; I used to play in a band with the bartender, he hooked me up. I finished the night off with some street food. I know a little place open late that sells Donair. Not as good as the ones in Halifax though.

In high school, my girlfriend had a lower back tattoo; I had aviator sunglasses and a Motorola Razer. At senior prom, I wore Converse and a tuxedo t-shirt under a blazer.

Sunday was chill. I stayed in and watched some football. No, not American football. The London derby, Arsenal vs Fulham. It was a tie.

Oh yeah? You went to your godson’s Christening? They’re so cute at that age. Neat. After the match, I met some friends for tapas. I pronounced all the names correctly when ordering.

Good talk, Dave. I better get back to the grind now. I call working “the grind,” though I don’t really do much. I usually just chill in my cubicle, which is the coolest one in the office. I have an X-Files poster on the wall and a framed picture of that one time I met Dave Grohl. Above my recycling box is a tiny basketball net.

Read More 

Related Posts

Biden Holds Critical Press Conference

In the wake of calls for him to step down from the presidential race following a poor debate performance and concerns about his mental ability to fulfill…

Pete Buttigieg Trapped Beneath Derailed Model Train

WASHINGTON—Trapped beneath nearly five pounds of aluminum and plastic, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly unable to move Thursday after his body was pinned beneath a…

Some Grocery Stores Begin Selling Bullets In Vending Machines

A vending company called American Rounds has installed its machines in a handful of supermarkets in Oklahoma, Alabama, and Texas, allowing customers to buy ammo while picking…

Eli Lilly Unveils Insulin That Doesn’t Work On Poor People

Read more… The Onion 

Jeffrey Epstein Spotted Dancing To ‘Anti-Hero’ In Eras Tour VIP Tent

Read more… The Onion 

Woman Frantically Cleaning Up Entire City Before Parents Visit

CHICAGO—Racing to make everything tidy ahead of the quickly approaching visit, local woman Ellen Crandall was frantically cleaning up the entire city before her parents came into…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *