Myths and Facts About Balloon Animals

Myth: Balloon animals are easier pets than real animals. You don’t need anything but a string and a corner of ceiling you’re not using.

Fact: Balloon animals need regular care and enrichment, just like any animal. Taking them out for a regular float is a good start, but they also need cognitive stimulation and balloon carnivores will need something to hunt. If they aren’t in a stimulating environment, they’ll start to squeak and slowly deflate over time.

Myth: If your house has balloon mice, you should get a balloon cat.

Fact: A lot of people find one hole in their roof and immediately go to the nearest circus. Getting a balloon cat is a good idea if you can care for a balloon cat. If you have balloon mice but don’t feel you can care for a balloon cat, consider instead a balloon mousetrap, baited with a wedge of balloon cheese.

Myth: Balloon animals don’t get along with real animals.

Fact: Balloon animals are often territorial, and of course, any animal of the species which the balloon animal resembles will treat them as an impostor and abomination to be destroyed at all costs. However, balloon animals can be socialized with animals of different species and come to be quite good friends with them. Often it can help to lift the animal up to the ceiling, rather than bringing the balloon animal down to the floor.

Myth: Balloon animals hate humans for cursing them with life.

Fact: Balloon animals only hate the specific human who inflated them. They can develop quite close and affectionate connections with other humans.

Myth: It’s safe to adopt a feral balloon animal without getting them checked up.

Fact: While it’s noble to want to take in feral balloon animals, and many people have found beloved pets this way, there are risks. In the wild, balloon animals can contract many balloon diseases, some of which can be passed to humans. Of particular concern are latexoplasmosis, tuberculosis, and smallpops.

Myth: Balloon animals are evil because they are all, initially, shaped like serpents, and therefore carry its curse.

Fact: There are many churches that still teach this absurd nonsense. Scholars agree that it’s much more likely that snakes are evil because of their resemblance to balloon animals.

Myth: If you blow up a balloon animal, it keeps a portion of your soul.

Fact: Most balloon animals are blown up by clowns, who lack souls.

Myth: If you’re tired of your balloon pet, just unknot it and make it into something else.

Fact: Do not do this.

Myth: When a balloon animal deflates, that means it’s dead.

Fact: A balloon animal is only dead if it has been popped with a silver needle. When it deflates, that just means it’s waiting.

Myth: You shouldn’t unknot and refold your balloon animals because they don’t like it!

Fact: Actually, they love it more than anything. The danger is that you may teach it the power of folding and unfolding, currently our single advantage over them. If one of them learned to reshape themselves at will, there is a danger of it becoming a balloon human.

Myth: Balloon animals will try to steal a baby’s breath.

Fact: Balloon animals will try to steal the breath from any human if they get the chance. They have no particular preference for babies.

Myth: Balloon animals are cute! Maybe a balloon human would be cute too!

Fact: 25% of all the atoms in the visible universe are helium. Carbon, the basis of our life, accounts for only 0.5%. The danger of balloon humans is obvious. If you see a balloon human, or believe one has been created, find a safe place to hide and contact your local government officials.

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