NEW YORK—A day after a game was stopped and then indefinitely postponed following the on-field cardiac arrest of Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin, the NFL issued a statement this afternoon in which it clarified to the public that there are not things more important than football. “Understandably, what happened last… Read more… The Onion
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 4. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them […]
WASHINGTON—In an effort to garner their support and become Speaker of the House, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) assured his skeptical GOP colleagues Tuesday that he shared their vision of innocents drowning in oceans of blood. “While I hear your concerns and am prepared to make a long list of concessions in exchange for… Read more… […]
Read more… The Onion
While term limits may be popular among young legislators, many older career politicians have bristled at the idea. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose caps on government leadership, and this is what they said. Read more… The Onion
TOLEDO, OH—Toiling in obscurity on his cartoon porn adaptations, Aaron Metzler, the iconic artist of Huge Titty Lois Griffin, sadly remains unrecognized in his lifetime, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Despite being the defining creator of the Family Guy erotic fan art genre, nobody even knows Metzler’s name,” said art… Read more… The Onion
Instructor: Alex “Axe-Man” RodriguezInstructor Qualifications: Head Scavenger of SoCal Survivors, B.S. in Biology, Minor in Psychology, grew up on a farm, zombie kill count: 98Phone/Email: UnavailableOffice Hours: By appointment only, instructor often scavenges the Wastes during daylight hours Class/Office Location: bunker on South CampusBunker Stats: 6-inch-thick steel door and walls, 100-person capacity, adequate ventilation, water […]
French president Emmanuel Macron has announced that starting in 2023, condoms would be made available for free in pharmacies for 18- to 25-year-olds in a bid to reduce the spread of STIs, which increased by 30% over the last two years. What do you think? Read more… The Onion
INDIANAPOLIS—Acknowledging the sage decision by the people at the top, union-busting manager Dale Lynskey told reporters Tuesday that he graciously accepted a pay cut because his boss knows best. “Our CEO knows exactly what’s right for company, and obviously I was taking more money than my labor was worth, so I’m… Read more… The Onion
WASHINGTON—Hoping to allay voters’ concerns about the president’s age, officials at the White House are now just saying that Joe Biden is 52 years old, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Americans have made it clear they want to see younger leadership in the White House, and they’re in luck, because President Biden is only… Read more… The […]
