We’re sorry to hear you want to cancel your gym membership. Our biggest concern is the comfort of our members. But since you don’t want to be a member anymore: Welcome to hell!
Our cancellation process is three easy steps (for legal reasons) and one horrifically arduous step (for obvious reasons).
Simply complete all the prompts below, including the final task of battling the immortal Minotaur in our gym basement.
Step One
Sign into our online portal.
Step Two
Go to Account Settings.
Step Three
Click the “Confirm Cancel Membership” Button.
Step Four
Unsheath that broadsword, foolish mortal! Hop off your desk chair and secure passage to one of our many locations (now open in Calabasas!). Let the gym manager know you demand combat with an age-old beast who feeds on the hubris and lightly-toned bodies of our members.
Quickly answer our riddles three (why you’d like to cancel, anything we can do to keep you as a member, and how dare you challenge the mythic might of the Minotaur).
Confirm some basic details (name, address, battle-ax or scimitar), as well as provide dental records to help local authorities confirm your identity, in case the duel goes exactly how we expect it to go for someone who ran out of breath on our Stairmaster.
We’ll prorate your remaining annual membership, so choose your refund method: check, bank transfer, or a pouch full of gold coins to bargain with the Minotaur. The bull-beast is rarely swayed by human trinkets, but at our gym, anything is possible with hard work and pleading shouts to the merciful gods of yore!
Stumble blindly down our fog-cloaked hallway (we just added a Members Only Spa!) and cast yourself into the lair of our bovine monstrosity. If you can’t find it, simply ask one of our helpful Gym Attendants, who will gladly give you instructions to the fight pit and cackle with glee when you ask how much longer the cancellation process will take.
Finally you’ll arrive, face to snout with the Minotaur. As you gaze upon his hideous visage, weathered by violent millennia, you’ll tremble upon weak knees (you always skipped leg day).
Now you’ll have the chance to provide valuable feedback about the reason for your cancellation (we’re assuming you simply shivered with fright during the Riddles Three portion of the process). Go ahead and grab the pen and paper conspicuously left out for you…and then quickly realize it was a mere ruse by the Minotaur! He has little desire for customer opinions.
The only CSAT score this ferocious animal cares about is being able to “C” you, “SAT” on you, and “score” you for his final meal. In the time it takes for you to ask us why we’re including bad jokes like that in this deadly portion of our cancellation process/fight to the death, the Minotaur has already gained on you!
He’ll dangle you between his meaty hoofs, playing with his prey, emptying your puny pockets of your last remaining possessions (unless you’re a California resident; you have excellent privacy laws that even a mythological creature cannot bypass).
With the taste of thousands of fallen gym patrons on his breath, he’ll snort the last words many ever hear: “Are you sure you wish to cancel?”
You’ll fall to the cold, linoleum floor and utter the fateful words of wayward souls before you: “Actually no need to cancel, I’m good, totally good, no need to fight a violent cow.”
And we’re so happy to hear it! Loyal members like you are why we have a zero-percent cancellation rate! Please let us know if you have any questions in the future, and if you ever wish to cancel again, simply remember how it felt to look into the glowering eyes of Death himself!
