Justices Expand Supreme Court To 40 Right-Wing Buddies
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the move just made sense given the national importance of their rulings, the six conservative justices announced Friday that they had expanded the U.S. Supreme…
Tourist Filmed Carving Girlfriend’s Name Into Rome’s Colosseum
A tourist in Rome was filmed carving his name and the name of his apparent girlfriend into the wall of the famous Colosseum, defacing the nearly 2,000-year-old…
Brett Kavanaugh Rules Against Loan Forgiveness Plan Citing Precedent That All Debts Mysteriously Vanish
Read more… The Onion
The Real Seagulls of New Jersey, Season 9
Returning after the shocking events of last year’s finale, we’re back for another season of pork rind pilfering, shoreline strutting, shit-bombing sunbathers, and squabbling over which bird…
Multimillion-Dollar City Beautification Project Results In 3 New Blades Of Grass
BINGHAMTON, NY—Officials and community leaders gathered for a grand unveiling Friday after a multimillion-dollar city beautification project reportedly resulted in three new blades of grass. The project,…
Couple At Restaurant Obviously On First Breakup
ROSEVILLE, MN—Noting the awkward interaction that was playing out in front of them, sources told reporters Friday that a couple at a restaurant was obviously on their…
NFL Players Suspended For Violating DraftKings Terms Of Use
NEW YORK—As the league sought to crack down on players involved in gambling, the NFL announced this week the suspension of four players for violating the DraftKings…
Taco Bell Ad Urges Customers To Consider Whether They Actually Interested In Trying New Beefy 5 Layer Burrito
IRVINE, CA—Ambivalently promoting the menu item in a media campaign that launched Friday, a new Taco Bell ad urges customers to consider whether they are actually interested…
Strip Club Installs Single Pinball Machine To Occupy Shy Members Of Bachelor Party
SAN DIEGO—In an attempt to cater to a wider demographic, a local strip club reportedly installed a single pinball machine Friday to occupy the shy members of…