The cubicle next to yours is empty. The rumor is Dave left after finding out he never had a real job with the company and was only hired to be the victim of a ridiculously raunchy and borderline fatal prank in a popular reality TV show. This phenomenon is all too common in corporate America. And it could happen to you.
You tell yourself, “It could never happen to me,” but this is exactly how you lull yourself into a false sense of security. Then, when you’re sitting inside your cubicle, plugging and chugging into some spreadsheet, your computer will projectile vomit sour milk onto your face before you’re simultaneously sandwiched by two sumo wrestlers.
Don’t end up on a hilarious, reality prank show like Milk or Sumo! Keep your guard up at all times and follow these tips to tell the difference between an average Monday at the office and the perilous trappings of a prank TV show.
Probe the edges
If you fall victim to a hysterically dangerous prank on reality TV, chances are your “co-workers” are hired actors. Engage them in conversation and try to suss out their secrets. Drop subtle lines like, “What’s your stance on pranks?” or “You know Martha, if you were secretly on TV, I’d tell you. Just like how you’d tell me… right?”
Scream as loud as you can, as long as you can
Real-life co-workers will grow concerned and call the authorities. But, if you’re secretly being filmed, that’s ratings gold. No one will stop you from screaming—in fact, they’ll ignore you completely and hope you pass out. Therefore, you’ll have to up the ante and jump on top of your desk when you scream. When you pass out, make sure to fall and hit your head in a really scary and not funny way. The prank producers will love it!
Quit your job
You know you’re on TV if your supervisor tries to get you to think over your resignation in the new “communal couch,” which definitely isn’t a live alligator disguised as a communal couch.
Spread a rumor
Craft a rumor that makes everyone feel guilty if they are pulling pranks. Tell the office that your co-worker Martha had a brother who was killed in a horrible prank accident in the hit show, Daytime Drunk Donkey Attacks! and it would be really fucked up if they tried pranking a co-worker.
Become desperately vulnerable
Breakdown and confess a traumatic secret. Admit that the rumor about Martha’s brother wasn’t true. The truth is it was your brother who was killed in a horrible prank accident and you’ve been haunted by the devastating impact pranks can have ever since. Drop to your knees and sob hysterically, cursing heaven for taking him and not you. If you’re secretly on TV, this whirlpool of emotional trauma will force the prank producers to do something really “out there” to rebalance the emotional scales. They’ll probably hit you with an elderly woman fired out of a cannon.
Get belligerently drunk
How dare they? Pranksters are the evil fiends who sicced a drunk donkey on your brother in Disney World. You shall have your revenge.
Begin pulling your own pranks
You won’t go down as the co-worker who was hired as a joke and became medically comatose for a half-ass prank. It’s a prank-or-be-pranked world and dammit it all if you won’t be getting the last laugh. Dig deep into your contacts to see who has access to a full-grown cow. Once you find that person, explain to them how you plan to prank your co-worker Martha by sticking her head completely inside a cow’s ass. Your contact will probably ask you the standard questions like, “Wait, is that the joke? That would kill her, wouldn’t it?” Respond with something simple like, “No, it’ll be hilarious. It’s a prank-or-be-pranked world, now who’s side are you on?!”
Commit a crime
You decide to go ahead with the cow prank and steal the heifer from your contact. With the cow back at work, you carefully disguise its ass as a tiny, little window. You gather all your coworkers into the conference room and say, “Whoa, look at this tiny, little window! Hey Martha, why don’t you try and stick your head in there?” Martha will say, “Why is there a cow here?” and you’ll say, “Don’t look behind the costume! Just stick your head in the tiny, little window!”
“No! That’s a cow’s ass!”
“No, it’s a tiny, little window, dumb dumb. Here I’ll show you.”
You proceed to stick your head completely inside a cow’s ass and get stuck.
Read the job description
Oftentimes, they’ll include whether or not it’s a real job or a job solely for the purpose of being pranked.
