Thursday, November 14th, 29 AD
I’ve been in the apostles’ crew for almost a year now, but Jesus still makes me wear a nametag every time we hang out. It’s just typical apostle hazing, so I’m not taking it personally!
Sunday, November 17th, 29 AD
On our ride to Jerusalem, the guys mistook me for a donkey again. They started piling their shit on top of me. I would have said something but Philip fed me an apple. I decided to take one for the team.
Tuesday, November 26th, 29 AD
Peter is a strong leader within the local community, with many seeking his guidance. John’s been writing detailed and influential gospels of the Lord. I continue to struggle with my chronic heartburn affliction.
Monday, December 2nd, 29 AD
I ran into Jesus and the entire apostle crew walking around downtown Galilee. They were performing miracles and didn’t invite me! When I went up to confront them, they all started to reintroduce themselves.
Wednesday, December 4th, 30 AD
Today, Matthew told me I inspired the latest verse he’s drafting: “Thou shalt not pass judgment upon even the most unstimulating, abhorrent and frankly dull imbeciles, even if thy deserve it.” How cool is that? I’m an inspiration for my friends!
Friday, December 6th, 29 AD
Jesus gave us all nicknames today. Matthew was Maddy Daddy, Thomas was T-Bone and Philip was Scoops (had to be there). Then he got to me and stared with this panicked, confused look on his face. He eventually looked down at my nametag and muttered, “Right. Right.” He took several more seconds before slowly nodding his head and saying, “ You’ve always looked like a Nathanael to me?”
Saturday, January 10th, 30 AD
Reminded all the guys that tonight is my birthday party. They said they are going to “try and make it.” It’s going to be such a cool party!
Saturday, January 10th, 30 AD
No one came to my birthday party.
Tuesday, February 8th, 30 AD
James was chosen to go with Jesus to heal lepers. Andrew stayed up all night cowriting Jesus’ next speech in Samaria. I saw this really cool bird outside my house, but when I tried to describe it, I got so nervous that words failed me and I burped uncontrollably.
Saturday, February 12th, 30 AD
Jesus told a crowd he’s proud of the progress his 11 disciples have made. “12!” I corrected him. “How is that donkey speaking?” he asked. “Did I do that?”
Thursday, March 16th, 30 AD
The apostles were all hanging out and joking about the time Jesus turned water into wine. I yelled, “Yeah, Jesus was probably like, ‘Hey, this isn’t what I ordered!’” The room went quiet. Then, not two seconds later, Andrew repeated my exact joke word for word, and the guys laughed for ten minutes straight.
Tuesday, March 21st, 30 AD
Judas and Simon had a provocative debate about the word of God, the future of the church, and their curiosity regarding the influence of religion paired with a developing population. I drew a cow with wings in the sand.
Friday, March 24th, 30 AD
Jesus commissioned a painter to make portraits of all his apostles. My session took the longest. The painter kept shaking his head and snapping his brushes in frustration looking from his canvas to me. “It’s like painting a blank slate on top of a blank slate,” he finally muttered.
Sunday, March 26th, 30 AD
Guess who was chosen unanimously for the fifth time in a row to clean everyone’s dirty sandals? The other apostles said I’m the best at scrubbing out camel shit. Let’s just say, I’m feeling appreciated today.
Wednesday, April 7th, 30 AD
The disciples crew and Jesus planned this amazing last supper, but the food was way too spicy for my palette. I left the dinner to steal barley from the donkey barrels, but I got locked in their stables again.
Thursday, April 8th, 30 AD
Jesus died. Vibes are super weird in the apostles crew. We were all mourning at John’s place and every time someone looked at me, they started to cry harder. Glad I could be there to comfort all my best friends.
Sunday, April 11th, 30 AD
Jesus came back to life! The apostles threw this ridiculous celebration party in Golgatha. The bouncer wouldn’t let me in, he said my name wasn’t on the list. Luckily, Jesus walked over and I called out to him. He stared at me with this bewildered, lost look on his face before looking down at my nametag. “Oh yeah…” he sighed. “It’s cool. He’s my designated donkey tonight.”
Can you believe that? Jesus Christ’s personal donkey for the evening! It’s good to be Bartholomew!
