Lying To Sponsor Easy
CHICAGO—Despite the expectation of honesty implicit in the journey of healing from addiction, anonymous sources reported Tuesday that lying to a sponsor is actually very easy. “They…
Elon Musk Announces He’s Recruiting Volunteers For Dangerous One-Way Mission In Self-Driving Cybertruck
AUSTIN, TX—Providing consumers with the opportunity to die a hero, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Tuesday that he was recruiting volunteers for a dangerous one-way mission in…
Right-Wing Men Explain Why They Refuse To Eat Vegetables
There’s only one thing men’s rights activists hate more than women, minorities, and using preferred pronouns, and that’s ingesting anything besides red meat. The Onion asked right-wing…
I, Bagpipes, Am Also Confused as to Why I’m Part of This Christmas Parade
The annual Christmas parade is a time for gathering. A time for rejoicing. A time for me, bagpipes. Wait, really? Are you sure, have you ever heard…
Ho, Ho, Ho! I Started Dating Mrs. Claus When She Was 14!
Seasons greetings, from your old friend Santa! Santa has been hard at work up at the North Pole preparing to deliver toys to all you wonderful girls…
Millions Of Americans Celebrate Christmas
According to a Gallup poll, 94% of Americans reported celebrating Christmas in some way, both with secular and nonsecular traditions. What are you doing on Christmas day?…
Childhood Memory Of Kissing Cousin Suddenly Bubbles To Surface During Game Of Charades
HAVERHILL, MA—With the scene buried deep in the local woman’s subconscious seeming to emerge out of nowhere, sources confirmed Monday that Lindsay Healy’s childhood memory of kissing…
