Jesus Christ, everyone! Stop! When will this come to an end?
We are begging the general public to cease taking on our Xtreme Spicy Wings Challenge. We do not wish to see any more poor souls go comatose because they’ve succumbed to our mouthwatering, signature Hellfire Chernobyl Wings that no person has been man enough to conquer. Are you really interested in tearing your loved one’s lives asunder just so you can taste our chicken wings with your choice of creamy blue cheese or ranch dressing?
Let us reiterate: every single patron who has sunk their teeth into our juicy, cooked-to-perfection wings has fallen into months-long comas that they have yet to wake up from. We are strongly discouraging any food vloggers, frat bros, or any self-proclaimed “spice fiends” from coming to Tony’s Tavern (off I-85, exit 17) to try to best our Hellfire Chernobyl Wings Challenge. It is not worth missing your child’s birthday so you can possibly win a t-shirt and unlimited free beer for a month, among other great can’t-miss prizes.
Please! Stop coming in to post about our wings on TikTok, Instagram, or any other popular social media platform. We do not need any more viral videos of wing eaters desperately gasping for air, or projectile vomiting onto their dates, or losing control of their bowels. Cease posting with any of our popular challenge hashtags, like #TonysDeathWings, #XtremeWingComa, #FieryDiarrhea. The last thing we need is to boost our views to a million by the end of the month.
People’s lives are at stake.
The publicity we’ve been gaining from what was supposed to be a harmless challenge has made our hearts sink. We are begging customers to stop forming lines out the door. Do not tell any of your friends and family about our Hellfire Chernobyl Wings, among other great menu offerings. Do not under any circumstance turn this challenge into a fun charity event that will no doubt garner unwanted media attention.
You have to understand that our finger-licking sauce—which you can also buy on our website—is made from an unholy abomination of peppers banned in 23 states and 47 countries. Our formula is one that has been used as a chemical weapon that violates at least 60 articles of the Geneva Conventions. Don’t even think about the bragging rights you’ll have among your boys for coming out of this challenge unscathed, because you’ll be very much scathed!
So no more! Enough! After reading our warning, you’re probably thinking, “Ha! I can handle these pussy-ass hot wings.” Well, we assure you: you can’t. So do not come into our restaurant during our regular business hours 3 PM-12 AM, Tuesday through Sunday, to order our irresistible, melt-off-the-bone chicken wings. Not even for our two-for-one happy hour special on Thursdays.
That being said, if, for whatever godforsaken reason, you are still insistent on taking on our wings, we ask that you sign a waiver protecting us from all legal recourse in case of injury, choking, scarring, mental anguish, insanity, organ failure, or death. And if you are able to finish all the wings in under ten minutes, the bill will be on us. (Not the hospital bill.)
But no more! This madness must stop today! And for the animal lovers, make sure you never ever try our Vegan Hellfire Chernobyl Wings.
