The shoulder sway: Live music allows you to reinvent yourself as a free spirit with a carefree attitude. Your chill new persona always feels like it will stick, but you plunge right back into generalized anxiety and a nagging sense of ennui as soon as the lights come up, wondering why on Earth you thought it was a good idea to take off your shoes—again. Ticketmaster is your most used app.
Clapping along: You’re confident. Some would say overconfident.
Toe tapping: As a child, you dreamed of becoming a banjo player who wears a straw hat and travels the country on foot, strumming the ol’ strings for anyone who will listen. Your authoritative parents convinced you to study medicine instead, so attending this concert is the closest you’ve ever come to picking up an actual instrument. You hope the rhythmic movement of your feet is enough to signal you’re a true melomaniac, but you’ll drop $5k at the merch stand later just to be sure.
Holding up a lighter: You have a peace sign bumper sticker on your car.
Holding up your cell phone: You have a peace sign bumper sticker on your Amazon wishlist.
Sitting absolutely still and making no noise whatsoever: Every environment you enter is a pressure cooker, and this venue is no exception. Will people think you’re obnoxious if you sing along? Will you block someone’s view if you move a millimeter to your right? Will this upper mezzanine collapse if you exhale too loudly, resulting in 97 deaths and 142 serious injuries? You’ll try your hardest to prevent the fictitious disasters you’ve made up in your mind from happening even if it kills you—and it might! You haven’t taken a deep breath since the summer of 2006.
The slight head bop: You’re just vibin’, man. You always forget to cancel your subscriptions before the free trial ends, but you don’t beat yourself up about it. You have a basket weaving class tomorrow. Even though you think puka shell necklaces are cultural appropriation, you’re keeping one in the back of your underwear drawer in case you change your mind.
The extreme head bang: You’ve never vibed in your life. You always remember to cancel your subscriptions before the free trial ends, and you feel superior about it. You have a CrossFit class tomorrow—and a headache. You went to the hospital last week because you forgot to wear your Fitbit and thought your heart stopped beating.
Dancing in the aisles: It’s your one night a year away from your three young children and you had four glasses of pinot grigio before the opener finished their set. You’re thrilled to spend the night with fully grown people who know how to use the toilet on their own. You just washed your hair for the first time in weeks, and you’re delighting in its floral scent as you twirl to your favorite tunes. You need to do this more often. You also need a ride home.
Singing every lyric: You use custom drawer organizers for your trouser socks and mention that you were voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in high school at every dinner party you’ve ever been invited to. You listened to all 15 of the band’s albums on repeat for three months leading up to this show, and you will make damn sure your fellow concert-goers know you’ve done your homework. You’d love to kick back and relax, but you’re too busy getting the highest grade in the class—or, uh, audience.
Humming along: If you had a dime for every time someone called you an “old soul,” you would be sitting front row with an all-access VIP pass.
Recording every song on your iPad: You have a hard time staying present and consider yourself a “master multi-tasker.” If you’re taking a shower, you’re listening to a podcast. If you’re reading a book, you’re running on a treadmill. If you’re at a concert, you’re capturing some shaky video footage starring the back of an unassuming person’s head. You probably won’t re-watch these videos, but they might come in handy if you’re waiting in line at the grocery store, or stuck in traffic en route to one of your three jobs.
Screw it, standing: You’re a psychopath.
