Trump’s Best Excuses For Delaying Legal Hearings
The former president has relied on a variety of tactics to slow down proceedings in his numerous trials. The Onion examines Donald Trump’s best excuses for delaying…
We Only Dumped Toxic Waste in Your Drinking Water to Raise Awareness of Hazardous Dumping
On behalf of the entire Lucy Fur Company, I would like to thank the reporters and protesters who have highlighted our company’s dumping of toxic waste into…
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Tom Sandoval
Following the actor’s high profile cheating scandal on the Bravo reality TV series Vanderpump Rules, Tom Sandoval rocketed to fame as one of America’s most hated villains….
Nation Likes It When Hamburger Bun Already Cut
WASHINGTON—Breathing a huge sigh of relief when they saw the two halves, a spokesperson for the U.S. populace announced Tuesday that the nation likes it when the…
12-Year-Old Spends Entire Hiking Trip Fantasizing About Which Video Game He’ll Play When He Gets Home
CHATHAM, NH—During a long-planned excursion with his family through the White Mountain National Forest, 12-year-old Austin Tanden is said to have spent an entire hiking trip Tuesday…
Sherwin-Williams Announces Plan To Phase Out White Paint
CLEVELAND—After offering many iterations of the color over its 158 years in business, Sherwin-Williams announced plans Tuesday to phase out all white paint by the end of…
Biden Gives Americans Nuclear Launch Codes In Case Anything Ever Happens To Him
Read more… The Onion
How to Do the Perfect Squat
Performed correctly, a squat is a stellar functional movement which strengthens the glutes, quads, back, and core. Performed incorrectly, a squat will permanently compromise your physicality, doom…
Worst Mascots Ever: Creepy And Funny Fails
Creating a good, crowd-rousing, kid-pleasing mascot that doesn’t look like it crawled out of Satan’s ass is more difficult than it might appear. Some just look too…
Norway To Start Hiding Its Standard Of Living To Make Other Countries Feel Better About Themselves
OSLO, NORWAY—Not wanting reports of the happy, healthy lives of its citizens to demoralize people living outside the Scandinavian nation, Norway announced Monday that it would start…