The domestic economy has been hit hard by inflation recently and so has my ability to manage basic interactions with my fellow citizens. As such, I have made some updates to the pricing plans on offer for my emotional labor to replenish my spiritual well. I have selected a subscription model, as preferred by both Wall Street investors and me, so that I can better forecast what is expected of me in a given month. I appreciate your patronage and thank you for supporting the arts.
Stranger Tier
The stranger package has been updated to eliminate basic greetings and small talk. This new package can only be authorized for use in active crises: extreme weather events, the outbreak of war, at a crime scene where we have both witnessed the offense and need to work together to apprehend the perpetrator, or if we have both seen something really weird but benign happen and need to exchange a knowing glance and chuckle. Some medical emergencies are included, depending how gross they are and how qualified I am to assist. Your mileage may vary.
Eligibility: Everyone, including everyone at my dog park except for that one guy (you know which one)
Cost: Free
Neighbor Tier
There’s strength in numbers, and our rent increase numbers have been too strong lately. It’s important that we continue to share intel on the latest pricing. We provide valuable assistance to each other, helping with packages, updates on new businesses in the neighborhood, and essential gossip. That said, there are boundaries: namely, it’s time to re-stigmatize mental health. This updated tier no longer allows for sharing your personal problems, especially when I have already explained how to solve them.
Eligibility: Residents of 155 Grove Street
Cost: All hope of building a nest egg or whatever reflects the current monthly price in your lease
Former Flame Package
I reserve the right to document your unique foibles and possible money laundering in print. My social media is public so feel free to follow along while I exploit our interpersonal dynamic for literary invention.
Eligibility: *Patrick, *Jerson, *Taylor, et al.
Cost: The indignity of knowing I’ve captured your weird co-dependent relationship with your mother with complete accuracy and wit, while *changing names to protect the somewhat innocent
Current Flame Package
You get a girlfriend with antisocial instincts who doesn’t go outside between the months of October and April. The good news is that I am mostly emotionally stable, although I will need to lie on the floor and sigh for approximately 15 minutes once a week in order to maintain that stability. Refer to the Former Flame Package to understand the cancellation process. This offering has been pretty consistent throughout the ages.
Eligibility: One opening per calendar year
Cost: You pay for dinner
Diamond Level
Unlimited daily FaceTimes, outfit feedback, and text consultations.
Eligibility: Exclusively offered to my sister, Josie
Cost: Unlimited daily FaceTimes, outfit feedback, and text consultations
Pewter Level
My presence at 1-2 major holidays, occasional funerals and weddings. Limit ten texts per month.
Eligibility: Other family
Cost: I visit you
Acquaintance Membership
This offering has been canceled. If you have not been offered an upgrade, please refer to the stranger tier to understand your new options.
Only Five Friends Circle
Unfortunately, this elite group of society’s most devious and gorgeous women is not accepting new members at this time. Also, they made me pay to join. Can you believe that?
