What Biden Can Do To Win Over Gen Z
Although the youth vote was integral in his victory against Donald Trump in the 2020 election, Joe Biden’s approval ratings have tanked amongst 18-to-27-year-olds. If President Biden…
Columbia University Gives Students Option To Finish Classes From Prison
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the…
Nation’s White Women Announce They Have New Perspective On Paris Hilton
WASHINGTON—Saying they’d learned a lot about her life and the adversities she’d faced over the years, the nation’s white women announced Monday that they had a new…
Taylor Swift Fan Convinced Artist Purposefully Released Big Dud As Commentary On Music Industry
NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying the singer-songwriter clearly had ulterior motives when she made The Tortured Poets Department, local Taylor Swift fan Fiona Johnson told reporters Monday the artist…
Teacher Forced To Pay For Students’ Plan B Out Of Pocket
FINDLAY, OH—Expressing frustration with the pressures of working in an underfunded public high school, local teacher Jason Corgenne told reporters Monday that he was forced to pay…
What Happened To Ronald McDonald?
Remember Ronald McDonald? He used to be the main mascot of McDonald’s. It was back in the day when clowns weren’t universally perceived as creepy abominations from…
Even Cookie Monster Sick of Accepting All Cookies
Me LOOOOOOOOOOVE cookies! Me savagely smash all over blue-furred face. But even me getting sick of Accept All Cookies. Listen, me recognize cookies can benefit personal web experience,…
Biden Sets Aside Land West Of Mississippi As Gluten-Free Zone
WASHINGTON—Calling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west…
‘Bluey’ Praised For Tackling Difficult Subject Of Walking In On Parents During Their Scheduled Weekly Sex
NEW YORK—Earning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated children’s TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on your parents…
Americans Explain Why We Should Call The National Guard On College Protesters
In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked…