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Jason Sudeikis Takes White House Lectern To Drunkenly Rant About How Harry Styles Ruined His Life
WASHINGTON—Slurring his words as he forcefully gestured at reporters with a brown-bagged bottle, actor Jason Sudeikis reportedly took the White House lectern during a press conference on…
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Jimmy Carter Gets Vasectomy
PLAINS, GA—According to sources familiar with the medical treatment he is currently receiving, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, underwent a conventional surgical vasectomy Tuesday in an effort…
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U.S. Announces Plans To Reclassify Everyone’s Race Based On Net Worth
WASHINGTON—Claiming the new system would make things simpler for everyone and avoid confusing mix-ups, Congress passed a joint resolution Tuesday that would reclassify every citizen’s race according…
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This Getaway Car Is from “Pimp My Ride”
All of you: get in the car. Now. I’m the best driver in the game, and I wasn’t hired to sit around chatting, so let’s roll before…
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Dunkin’ Discontinues Fan-Favorite Dunkaccino Drink
Dunkin’ has quietly pulled the Dunkaccino from the coffee chain’s menus, ending a more than two-decade run for the fan-favorite drink that mixed together coffee and hot…
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Woman Gives Friend A Call On Way Home To Take Mind Off Dangerous Road Conditions
DICKINSON, ND—Needing a release from the current drama going on around her, local woman Amber Westmoore told reporters Tuesday that she was going to give her friend…
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Clearblue Introduces New At-Home Test That Tells You If You’re Beautiful
GENEVA—Promising the fastest and most accurate results in the market, Swiss Precision Diagnostics introduced a new at-home Clearblue test Tuesday that tells users if they’re beautiful. “There’s…
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Children React To Loosened Child Labor Laws
Several states have recently introduced bills to eliminate age verification for young workers. The Onion asked several children how they felt about loosened child labor restrictions, and…
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Boyfriend Pillow: For Those Lonely Cold Nights
Being single is amazing – you can do what you want whenever you want and enjoy a drama-free life… yet sometimes it gets lonely and you need…