Art Deco Chandelier
For when your friend in the West Village reveals she doesn’t actually have a roommate in her two-bedroom apartment—it’s a spare for guests. She’s trusting you with this information, considering you blasé enough about money that it won’t affect your relationship with her. Just wait until the next time she Venmo requests you for anything under $20.
Faerie Lights
For when you’re watching Garden State with him for the first time. This lighting will keep the room dim enough so that he won’t catch you rolling your eyes when he explains to you exactly why the bathroom wallpaper scene is so good. And when he asks you to be his “muse” instead of his girlfriend, these bewitching lights will provide just enough illumination so you won’t trip over his vintage cassette collection on your way out.
Christmas Lights
For when your parents announce they’re getting a divorce, but, don’t worry, Santa is still coming this year. In fact, he’s coming twice!
Flashing Marquee Sign Outside A Concert Hall
For when a hot guy asks to bum a cigarette. You don’t smoke, but you’d like to be thought of as someone who might. It’s nice to be asked! He’ll then ask if you’ve ever seen Garden State.
Neon Bud Light Sign
For hosting a party in college, then subsequently keeping in every apartment you own for the next two decades. You will never own a home, let alone one with a basement bar.
One Hundred Thousand Candles
For when you take your bi-yearly bath you’ll sit in for approximately 1.5 minutes before you get too hot and light-headed and have to get out.
A Color-Changing Disco Ball
For when you hit your late twenties and still want to rave, but from the comfort of your own living room. You can also use this to spice up your 1.5-minute bath.
Urban Outfitters Mushroom Lamp
For when he discovers interior design. The subtle glow of the $99 lamp highlights his carefully curated coffee table book collection. Feel free to peruse them while he regales you with tales from his semester abroad in Italy.
Lone Street Lamp
For when he talks about serial killers in front of you for the first time. Wow, he really knows a lot about them! He also knows a lot about Garden State. Don’t get into the trunk!
The Light The Eye Doctor Shines Directly In Your Eye So You Can See Your Veins
For when you completely lose your sense of self as the doctor directs a concentrated beam of light directly into your eyeballs, forcing you to gaze into the eerie upside-down version of your own pupils. Fixate on the fragile jellies in your head that control your perception of reality. You are a fallible, fleshy husk of bone and nerves, all of which are slowly degrading before your very temporary eyes.
Those Glow in the Dark Stars You Stick on The Ceiling
For when you want to dream about your aesthetic future life homesteading on the prairie, without also remembering how light pollution has virtually erased the entire night sky and our days on this planet are numbered. Remember, humans used the North Star to find their way for thousands of years, but you’re not sure if you could pick it out from a low-flying Spirit plane. Try to remember the last time you saw a real constellation with your naked eye. Acknowledge our own star is dying, as is all life on Earth, slowly yet incomprehensibly fast. Consider, since you’ve never actually seen a polar bear, will it really be so bad if your children don’t? Wonder about having children. Fall asleep with these warring images.
AMC Track Floor Lighting
For sneaking out of a special screening of Halloween when your date won’t stop mentioning that, much like Michael Meyers, Andrew Largeman also returns to his hometown in Garden State. Just follow those little aisle lights like a moth to the red glow of an EXIT sign.
