Mood Lighting for Life’s Pivotal Moments

Art Deco Chandelier

For when your friend in the West Village reveals she doesn’t actually have a roommate in her two-bedroom apartment—it’s a spare for guests. She’s trusting you with this information, considering you blasé enough about money that it won’t affect your relationship with her. Just wait until the next time she Venmo requests you for anything under $20.

Faerie Lights

For when you’re watching Garden State with him for the first time. This lighting will keep the room dim enough so that he won’t catch you rolling your eyes when he explains to you exactly why the bathroom wallpaper scene is so good. And when he asks you to be his “muse” instead of his girlfriend, these bewitching lights will provide just enough illumination so you won’t trip over his vintage cassette collection on your way out.

Christmas Lights

For when your parents announce they’re getting a divorce, but, don’t worry, Santa is still coming this year. In fact, he’s coming twice!

Flashing Marquee Sign Outside A Concert Hall

For when a hot guy asks to bum a cigarette. You don’t smoke, but you’d like to be thought of as someone who might. It’s nice to be asked! He’ll then ask if you’ve ever seen Garden State.

Neon Bud Light Sign

For hosting a party in college, then subsequently keeping in every apartment you own for the next two decades. You will never own a home, let alone one with a basement bar.

One Hundred Thousand Candles

For when you take your bi-yearly bath you’ll sit in for approximately 1.5 minutes before you get too hot and light-headed and have to get out.

A Color-Changing Disco Ball

For when you hit your late twenties and still want to rave, but from the comfort of your own living room. You can also use this to spice up your 1.5-minute bath.

Urban Outfitters Mushroom Lamp

For when he discovers interior design. The subtle glow of the $99 lamp highlights his carefully curated coffee table book collection. Feel free to peruse them while he regales you with tales from his semester abroad in Italy.

Lone Street Lamp

For when he talks about serial killers in front of you for the first time. Wow, he really knows a lot about them! He also knows a lot about Garden State. Don’t get into the trunk!

The Light The Eye Doctor Shines Directly In Your Eye So You Can See Your Veins

For when you completely lose your sense of self as the doctor directs a concentrated beam of light directly into your eyeballs, forcing you to gaze into the eerie upside-down version of your own pupils. Fixate on the fragile jellies in your head that control your perception of reality. You are a fallible, fleshy husk of bone and nerves, all of which are slowly degrading before your very temporary eyes.

Those Glow in the Dark Stars You Stick on The Ceiling

For when you want to dream about your aesthetic future life homesteading on the prairie, without also remembering how light pollution has virtually erased the entire night sky and our days on this planet are numbered. Remember, humans used the North Star to find their way for thousands of years, but you’re not sure if you could pick it out from a low-flying Spirit plane. Try to remember the last time you saw a real constellation with your naked eye. Acknowledge our own star is dying, as is all life on Earth, slowly yet incomprehensibly fast. Consider, since you’ve never actually seen a polar bear, will it really be so bad if your children don’t? Wonder about having children. Fall asleep with these warring images.

AMC Track Floor Lighting

For sneaking out of a special screening of Halloween when your date won’t stop mentioning that, much like Michael Meyers, Andrew Largeman also returns to his hometown in Garden State. Just follow those little aisle lights like a moth to the red glow of an EXIT sign.

Read More 

Related Posts

Travis Kelce Impresses Coachella Crowd By Tossing Taylor Swift 50 Feet Across Grounds

INDIO, CA—In a viral video clip that left fans fawning over the celebrity couple, Travis Kelce reportedly tossed Taylor Swift 50 feet across the festival grounds at…

Aaron Taylor-Johnson Wondering If Buying Tuxedo More Economical In Long Run Than Renting One For Each ‘Bond’ Film

LOS ANGELES—As rumors persist that he may be the next actor to take on the franchise’s lead role, Aaron Taylor-Johnson told reporters Monday that he had been…

Eric Trump Only Potential Juror Uninformed Enough To Serve At Father’s Trial

NEW YORK—Noting that the former president’s high-profile antics had made it exceedingly difficult to move ahead with the case, sources confirmed Monday that Eric Trump was the…

The Restaurant Website That Makes It Impossible to Find Its Menu

Welcome to Caruso’s family restaurant! We are an authentic Italian restaurant, bringing the incredible tastes of Sicily right to your neighborhood. Our menu offers a tantalizing array…

Everything We Know About ‘Joker 2’

Following the release of the trailer for Joker: Folie à Deux, The Onion reveals everything we know about the sequel to the popular 2019 film. Read more……

Congress Quickly Passes Funding For National Night-Light After Waking Up From Scary Dream

WASHINGTON—Calling an emergency session around 12:39 a.m., Congress quickly approved a bill for a national night-light Monday after waking up from a scary dream. “While we’re definitely…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *