My dear Forbes Magazine! I’ve come back in time to apply to be on the Forbes “30 Under 30” list.
An orphan and lifelong reader of Forbes, I graduated with a degree in theoretical physics only to face a world ravaged by climate change, videos where standup comics destroy hecklers, and the Costco Wars. With the last dregs of humanity, I became one of the lucky few to be invited into a reinforced bunker (along with my pal Mike, who is not as grateful as I would be if I was someone’s bunker plus one).
We all occupy roles to ensure the survival of the human race. Mike was offered “Fertility Stud” (see what I mean about the gratitude?) and while they totally begged me to take that role also, I graciously turned it down to figure out time travel. Months (what we in the future call a period of approximately 28 days) passed. Finally, I found success: I was working in my lab, late one night, when the time machine I built brought me to earlier that night! Nude, and covered in wisps of smoke, I knew I had an opportunity to change history—to do right by the human race.
I considered many things. Travel back in time to kill baby Hitler? I’d probably just chicken out and try to change the bastard by raising him in a loving environment—and I’m not ready to be a father! Go back a few minutes, meet myself, and engage in an act many would argue was “auto-fellatio?” The potential for universe collapse caused by the paradox of appearing in the same timeline as myself (and that being a literal scene in both novel and adaptations of lauded romantic drama The Time Traveler’s Wife) made me reconsider.
No, I did what I knew would have the biggest impact: Brave the space-time continuum to write this application, in this pre-war Costco (I was craving the hot dogs and in my hellscape future, they jump to $1.75), to Forbes Magazine‘s 30 Under 30.
There are other candidates you’re considering. I’m aware someone creates The Avatar Procedure (where candidates get blue skin and sex ponytails), but they’ll win ComicCon’s “Medical Innovator of the Year,” so they don’t need it. I also know that Shoshal, the social network for Sean Connery fans, has just been invented, but the founder will eventually admit to using his customer’s funds for personal purchases and you never platform people like that.
What are they missing that I have?
My selflessness.
Prior to this application, I traveled back to November 22, 1963, to tell my great-great-grandparents that Kennedy had just been assassinated (they did not have a TV or radio). Did I ruin their first date and change their line of descendants to the point that I did not have parents anymore? Yes! At great personal sacrifice, I gave them information they wouldn’t have had and confirmed the outcome of the Grandfather Paradox!
Some asshole is getting aggressive about my nude, smoking physique in the line for Costco hot dogs, so I’ll wrap up:
There are so many things I want to do with my time machine, but using it to accomplish my dream of getting on the Forbes 30 under 30 List seemed the most altruistic (also I just discovered that it’s only good for two trips).
Yours Forbever,
Matt
