If Classic Literature Had Ad Breaks

Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the best sleep I ever got thanks to Helix Mattress. It only takes two minutes to get matched with the perfect mattress for your sleep preferences. Try it today!”

The Adventure of The Red Circle by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

“’Education never ends, Watson. It is a series of lessons, with the greatest for the last. Say, have you ever considered signing up for Masterclass?’

‘Masterclass? You mean the online schooling platform?’

‘Precisely. Why, you can learn from the best of the best in a variety of industries that include, but are not limited to, filmmaking, space exploration, and even wine appreciation. For an affordable price, too’

‘I must sign up this instance!’”

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

“He talked a lot about the past, and I gathered that he wanted to recover something, some idea of himself perhaps, that had gone into loving Daisy. His life had been confused and disordered since then, but thanks to the reliable personality assessment he received from Scientology, he was able to garner practical solutions to achieve his full potential, something that traditional psychiatric care could not offer.”

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

“Reader, I married him. It appears Hinge was the dating app intended to be destroyed.”

Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad

“Droll thing life is—that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself — which is why I am no longer ashamed to admit I use BlueChew chewable tablets to treat my erectile dysfunction.”

Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Take back control of your privacy with NordVPN. Use the promo code BIG BROTHER for twenty-five percent off your next subscription.”

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

“Live! Live the wonderful life that is in you! Let nothing be lost upon you. Be always searching for new sensations. Be afraid of nothing. Go out and visit Idaho! Experience memories that will surely last a lifetime.”

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

“The dinner too in its turn was highly admired; and he begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cooking was owing. But he was set right there by Mrs. Bennet, who assured him with some asperity that the recognition should go to Hello Fresh and their assortment of recipe selections that have the capacity to make any novice in the kitchen perfectly sufficient. He begged pardon for having displeased her.”

East of Eden by John Steinbeck

“A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well—or ill? Thankfully, with the help of Mattell’s Magic 8-Ball we now have some assistance with such ruminations.”

Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy By Douglas Adams

“The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything is 42. What’s 4 plus 2? 6. What’s the 6th month of the year? June. 42 divided by 6 equals 7. 7 times 2? That’s 14. Who was born on June 14? Donald Trump. Learn more at Truthsocial.com”

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

“Women, they have minds, and they have souls, as well as just hearts. And they’ve got ambition, and they’ve got talent, as well as just beauty. I’m so sick of people saying that love is all a woman is fit for. Phexxi is a non-hormonal birth control that you put in your vagina before sexual intercourse. Side effects may include vaginal burning, vaginal itching, vagina yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, and vaginal discharge. Ask your doctor if Phexxi is right for you.”

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