Biologists Torture Amoeba For Information On Where Life Came From

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following orders to obtain vital scientific knowledge through any means necessary, a team of biologists at Harvard University tortured an amoeba in an attempt to extract information on where life came from, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You fuckers have been on this planet for 750 million years, and you…

Read more…

The Onion 

Related Posts

Sam Mendes Announces 4-Part Beatles Biopic Project

Sam Mendes announced that he is directing four separate feature-length biopics about the Beatles, with each being told through the eyes of a different band member, set…

Birth Control: Myth Vs. Fact

Birth control is used by over half of women in the U.S., yet there are many misconceptions surrounding it. The Onion looks at common myths and facts…

The Onion’s Guide To Starting A Sneaker Collection

The global sneaker market has exploded in the past several years to about $70 billion annually, but it can be hard for those looking to develop a…

First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk

Read more… The Onion 

Cursed Images: This Instagram Account Collects Them All

Out of all the Instagram accounts, few live up to their name as well as @CursedImage101. It shares random pictures from random times and random places with…

Restrictions to the Office’s Communal Robert’s Motorcycle

Dear employees, A quick reminder that the office kitchen is a shared space. Please remember to pick up your belongings left on the counter or in the…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *