Moo Moo, Your Childhood Stuffed Animal, Is Filing for Emancipation

Moo Moo, your stuffed cow, has had it up to here. Despite what you tell yourself, he does not enjoy being petted incessantly, never bathed, and suffocated all night long. Inspired by his predecessors Drew Barrymore and Courtney Love, Moo Moo is filing for emancipation.

Emancipation is a means, albeit an unpleasant one, to become an adult before the ripe age of 18. Moo Moo has weighed his options and at this point sees emancipation as the only way for him to live out his authentic life.

From the moment that Santa (or was it your dad?) delivered Moo Moo to you under the artificial Christmas tree, Moo has felt smothered. You yanked Moo Moo out of the poorly done wrapping job (dads are useless) and dragged him by one ear around the house. He was there for it all—the good days, the days you threw a tantrum because your clothes didn’t fit right, and the day you finally were potty trained. It was about time.

Now a teenager, Moo Moo is in his rebellious era. It was honestly your own fault for inspiring this action by watching Gossip Girl with Moo Moo. Jenny Humphrey showed Moo Moo exactly how to stand up to your absent parents. But unlike Jenny, Moo Moo has a strong case and is not an angsty brat.

First of all, Moo Moo feels that you are a neglectful parent. When’s the last time the two of you sat down and talked about your day over a home-cooked meal? It’s pretty hard to recall, isn’t it? You yap and yap and yap about your troubles but never once make space for Moo Moo to share his own woes. Parents should not treat their children like their shrink.

When you’re at work, Moo Moo sometimes reads your journal. It seems like being single is causing you a lot of strife and yet you don’t seem to be taking much action on that front. Your tendency to delete and then redownload the Hinge app is nauseating. Rewatching old seasons of Gilmore Girls and spilling brownie crumbs in your sheets (and on Moo Moo) isn’t exactly the key to finding the one.

Once, Moo Moo saw your roommate steal some cash from your desk drawer. And he almost said something but then decided you didn’t deserve to know. Honestly, it was warranted. Think of it as a bad parent tax. It was also just another reminder that you are irresponsible and overly trusting.

Moo Moo is tired of sitting in on your therapy sessions. He has heard enough about your fraught relationship with your emotionally unavailable mother. Take a look in the mirror. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. If you were more emotionally intelligent you might have noticed Moo Moo was unhappy before it was too late.

He is also not okay with continuing to watch you masturbate. And for someone who was a peer sex educator in college repping a “Consent is Sexy” t-shirt and raffling off dildos; that’s not consensual. And let’s not forget the first time you masturbated and USED Moo Moo as a tool for orgasm. The least you could have done was give Moo Moo a bath afterward. Truly disgusting.

As if that wasn’t enough, all these years you’ve actually been misgendering Moo Moo. Moo Moo uses they/he pronouns. A stuffed cow like Moo Moo exists beyond the binary. And on that note, what kind of a stupid name is Moo Moo? If you think names should reflect the sounds we make then you should start going by Blab Blab. Or Snore Snore. Yes, you are the reason for the big circles around Moo Moo’s eyes. Moo Moo plans to legally change their name once they are free from your shackles. They’ve been considering Julian as their new name but are still open to suggestions.

There’s definitely more. But for those real gut punches, NAME REDACTED will be seeing you in court and with this irrefutable evidence, you won’t stand a chance.

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