Forget Punxsutawney Phil: Other Woodland Creatures and the Predictions They Make

Fox

If the fox licks its paw and then uses that paw to “comb its hair” in a grooming motion, it will not only look adorable, but it also means that the next time you go to the movie theater there won’t be any distractions and you will also be able to hold your bladder for the entire film.

If the fox trots away without grooming itself, the next time you go to the movie theater there will be at least two people using their phones, one person providing their own commentary, and you will have to go pee during the climactic twist.

Mallard

If the mallard makes that funny quacking noise that sounds like it’s laughing and swearing at the same time, it means that Carol will pilfer from your snack drawer at work.

If the mallard waddles around silently, then your snack stash is safe for now.

Deer

If the deer flares its nostrils, it means that when you debut a new outfit, at least two people will notice and compliment you on it.

If the deer doesn’t flare its nostrils, then the only attention your clothes will get is when someone tells you that they used to have the same outfit, and points out that you have a ketchup stain. The last comment will be especially disconcerting because you won’t have eaten anything with ketchup that day.

Owl

If the owl turns its head all the way around like the kid from The Exorcist, it means that the next time you make eggs, a piece of the shell will fall into the pan and you won’t be able to retrieve it.

If the owl looks straight ahead, the next time you make eggs a piece of the shell will still fall into the pan, but you’ll be able to get it out. At least most of it, probably.

Badger

If the badger mauls its handler, it means that the next time you’re making the bed, you’ll put the fitted sheet on the wrong corners of the mattress and have to start over. After several more failed attempts, you’ll end up convinced that your mattress has grown or the sheet has shrunk.

If the badger doesn’t maul its handler, you’ll get the sheet fitted correctly on the first try. If not, definitely the second try.

Raccoon

If the raccoon removes the lid from your garbage can and leaves the contents strewn everywhere, it means that you need a more secure garbage can. It also means that you will burn the roof of your mouth the next time you eat pizza.

If the raccoon doesn’t trash your trash, you’ll still burn the roof of your mouth the next time you eat pizza because you lack the patience to let the cheese cool sufficiently.

Hawk

If the hawk eats the raccoon, it means that the next time you have to go poo at work someone will choose the stall directly next to yours. They will proceed to ask you detailed work-oriented questions—and at least one very personal question.

If the hawk lazily circles the sky, then you’ll have the whole washroom to yourself.

Squirrel

If the squirrel flutters its bushy tail twice, it means that your internet connection will be fast and strong, especially while streaming your favorite shows.

If the squirrel shakes its tail more than twice then you won’t be watching that season finale anytime soon and you’ll be on hold with your internet provider for a minimum of two hours.

Woodpecker

If the woodpecker pecks out a titillating Tresillo rhythm, it means that you’ll wake up thinking you have to go to work, then have a wave of elation wash over you when you realize you have the day off.

If the woodpecker performs off-beat, knock-knock pecks, you will wake up on a workday mistakenly thinking you have it off, momentarily feeling relaxed before you’re seized with disappointment.

Hare

If the hare’s ears are hanging and floppy, there will be an open checkout the next time you get groceries.

If the hare’s ears are pointy, your grocery cart will have a lazy wheel, the store won’t have two of the items you need, there will only be one checkout line, and every customer in front of you will be using coupons or returning an item.

Skunk

If the skunk sprays its handler, they should immediately shower using a grease-cutting dish detergent or take a baking soda bath. This means that you will get stuck in traffic the next time you’re in a rush to get somewhere. While you’re in traffic you will be cut off and that driver will give you the finger. This will bother you for much longer than it should.

If the skunk doesn’t spray its handler, you’ll be looking for something to watch on TV and stumble upon the 1998 buddy comedy Rush Hour.

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