Ok, Buddy, Now You’ve Really Gone and Done It

What did you just say to me?

Ok, that’s it. Now you’ve really gone and done it.

I’m sorry, but that was the last straw. I tried to play it cool and turn the other cheek, but no more. You done messed up, partner. You done messed up good. Consider my chains RATTLED.

I don’t want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me?

Being bad feels GOOD.

That’s right. You have no idea the hornet’s nest you just stepped in. Because, and I hate to say it, I’m no angel. I’m actually so frickin’ twisted. My mind is so FRICKIN’ twisted, man.

Are you TRYING to get my spuds a’boiling?! I’d be careful if I were you – you wouldn’t like me when my SPUDS are A’BOILING. I’m gonna fry your ass. French fry your ass, BIG TIME.

I’m absolutely PUNGENT with ANGER.

Buddy, I’m a loose cannon. I’m so greased with rage I could blow at ANY moment and shoot a CANNON BALL right at you! But instead of a CANNON BALL, it would be my FIST! Flying right at you!

What I’m trying to say is I’m gonna PUNCH you, man!

And guess what again? I know how to punch really hard because I’m a BLACK BELT. Yup, you heard right, I earned a black belt. Full honors.

From where? Oh, just the blood-stained mats of a little dojo called TIGER KWAN’S SELF-DEFENSE AND RESPECT BUILDING ACADEMY FOR CHILDREN & ADULTS.

It’s a Subway now, but THAT’S where I learned the secrets of the belt at the tender age of 11. And I just turned 36, so however you do the math, it’s NOT looking good for you.

Stop PISSING me off or I’m gonna PUNCH you, man! I’m REALLY serious!

I know that confused look. You’re thinking, “This guy must be ex-military. Marines or black ops or explosives or some shit.”

Ha. Well, guess what for a third time? You’re DEAD wrong. The military WOULDN’T have me. Why?

BONE SPURS. That’s why.

Can you even imagine the day-to-day hell that is flat feet? That’s my war, amigo, and I’ve been waging it my entire life.

Gonna be punching your FACE and not JUST THE AIR pretty soon here. I’m an uncaged animal, a damn DAWG that belongs in the damn POUND. WOOF, WOOF, WOOF! That’s the noise a damn dawg makes when it’s angry or for any other reason! WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!

I am one NASTY man when I get going. Let’s just say, if the pharmacy tech at Walgreens I saw last week really cared about saving lives, she would have euthanized me right THEN and THERE instead of giving me that flu shot. Should have straight up just PUT ME DOWN.


The flu is supposed to be really bad this year, you bitch.

I’m fixing to tee off on you right HERE, right NOW. And just like a Burger King Whopper, I am one flame-grilled MOTHERFUCKER! I GOT STEAM COMING OUT OF MY EARS!!!

I’m HUNGRY for your blood!! I’m also pretty REGULAR HUNGRY, TOO!


I’m, like, so, so hungry, and all this fuss is just making it worse. Sorry to lose my temper a bit there, man. I guess being “hangry” is a real thing. Too funny.

Anyway, back to your question. So if you don’t have Coke, then, sure, Pepsi will be fine. And, yeah, I’m gonna need some more time with the menu. Haven’t had a chance to look at it yet. Thanks.

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