Letterboxd Reviews of “The Thing,” If the “Thing” Was the Dancing Old Man from the Six Flags Ad

★★★★★

John Carpenter was the last true horror auteur. His use of mise-en-scène in The Thing to create an environment of fear and paranoia is a masterclass in filmmaking. Nothing in modern horror will ever be as frightening as the moment when out from Norris’ lifeless chest cavity pops a giant, grinning, hairless geriatric man who frenetically jitterbugs its way off of a medical table.

★★★★

Look, I don’t usually condone the killing of dogs for any reason whatsoever, but when Childs used the flamethrower on the dog-thing after it turned itself into four pasty bald men in cummerbunds and started doing the Melbourne Shuffle towards the screen I gave a STANDING O to my television.

★★

I was disappointed by The Thing. Would never pass the Bechdel test. Just some angry cis men being bullied by an overly testosteroned ball of hair and an old dude in spats.

★★★★★

As the bassist in a Blue’s Traveler tribute band, I tend to measure the quality of a film by its score.

The Thing’s haunting score—composed and performed by multi-Academy Award and Grammy-winning Dutch Eurodance group Vengaboys—is an example of flawless movie score writing. The choice to use an instrumental, looped version of “We Like to Party!” reinvented the wheel of horror movie music.

★★

People analyze about this movie all the time, but how come no one ever mentions the pre-title sequence where a coach bus is zoomin’ through outer space?

★★★★½

The most potent subtext of The Thing is that fear and paranoia can evaporate the bonds of trust among even the strongest of friendships. The film has proven timeless in this age of misinformation and general public distrust. From unscrupulous politicians, to international wars, to an unresolved pandemic, nothing in modern society will ever be as scary as the final moment when Kurt Russell breaks the fourth wall, looks directly into the camera, and says—through a toothless grin—“It’s playtime!”

★★★★

*Doo-doot doot-doot doot-doo doo*

★★½

The most engrossing scene in the film should have been when MacReady forces each of the remaining crew members to test their blood in order to determine which of them is infected. Except only one of them is suddenly, and without explanation, bald, wearing Buddy Holly glasses, and a red bow tie.

★★

I’ve never seen a movie with so much dancing that’s not a musical.

I’m so glad Six Flags isn’t a real place.

★★★½

I had no idea that my fave diabeetus spokesperson Wilford Brimley was in a movie where he’s building an underground party bus.

★½

Do you speak Norwegian? I do! Do you want this movie spoiled for you in the first ten minutes? I didn’t! Here’s what the Norwegian pilot is yelling at the Americans as he tries to shoot the husky:

“Get away from him, you idiots! That’s not a dog! It’s an elderly man imitating a dog! He has music! He never stops dancing! He gave us expired passes to Six Flags Magic Mountain!”

★★★

Kurt Russell is a man’s man. J&B scotch right from the bottle. A giant cowboy hat for his giant balls. He’s got hair everywhere. That thing has none. Creepy ass bitch.

★★½

I decided to watch The Thing for the first time after seeing this uncanny valley of an old man’s face plastered all over merch at Spirit Halloween. The only jump scare was when the thing hobbled into the rec room, shouted “SIX FLAGS MORE FLAGS MORE FUN” and proceeded to do the Charleston for 20 minutes straight. Yes, literally…for 20 minutes of this movie he’s just doing a jig—by himself.

Kinda mid.

★★★★★

I almost took a star off of my review for the repetitive use of the 1920s bus horn sound effect until I realized that, much like the nature of reality, it’s a metaphor for how we’re all stuck on the roller coaster of life.

★★★★

Move over Jason Statham, Stanley Tucci, and Dick Cheney—there’s a new sexiest bald man in town. Look, I can’t help it. Bald is beautiful. I spent all 109 minutes of this movie horned up for some of that thang.

How am I supposed to trust my grandpa now?

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