Ten Grapes I Ate Anyway

1. Grape I dropped in onion dip

The great thing about grapes is how easily they wipe off. I did not wipe this one off though, because I like onion dip and figured what the hell. It was not great.

2. Grape that went under the refrigerator

I abandoned the “five second rule” for a zero tolerance policy when we got a cat. Turns out cats will walk on your kitchen floor moments after walking through a pile of sand where they go to the bathroom. But I swear the grape bounced off my knee and shot directly under the fridge, without touching any other part of the floor. And the cat can’t fit under the fridge.

So I wiped off (again, so easy to do) the fuzz and crumbs and, I want to say, a tiny sliver of candy cane, though I haven’t bought candy canes since Christmas 2019, and popped it into my mouth. Tasty.

3. Grape that rolled under the couch

Okay, the cat can fit under the couch. But I was having a Super Bowl party and some of us were pretending the grapes from the fruit tray that Derrick’s girlfriend Jenni brought were tiny footballs, and Derrick’s pass bounced off my hands (in my defense, one hand was holding a beer) and settled beneath the couch. I never would have eaten it, but Derrick bet me twenty bucks I wouldn’t without wiping off the cat hair, and that beer I mentioned was my fifth before halftime, so down the hatch. Do not recommend.

4. Loose grape at supermarket

Didn’t pay for it, but ate it. What– It wasn’t attached to the bunch. You telling me someone was going to buy one orphan grape? Come on.

5. Grape found inside my shirt

How did it even get there, right? My best guess is at the supermarket. Okay, it was a handful of orphan grapes. Maybe when I tipped my head back to funnel them in, one missed my mouth and slipped inside my shirt? You’d think I’d notice it sometime before going to bed that night, but life’s crazy. Had already brushed my teeth, but ate it anyway. Felt rebellious.

6. Grape offered to me by the little brother of a girl I liked

The kid seemed nice enough, but… he was a kid. Have you seen kids with food? There was a fifty-fifty chance every one of those grapes he was carrying around had been swirled around in his mouth and spat back into the bowl.

I ignored an obvious red flag when the girl I liked did not take one because she was “full.” Too full for a grape? Okay, Jenni (yep, Derrick’s Jenni. But this was way before she met Derrick. I’m sure she’s told him I had a crush on her, though. He seems to be extra affectionate with her when he knows I can see them. You know, I bet he wanted that grape to roll under the couch, then dared me to eat it so I’d look stupid in front of Jenni. Son of a bitch).

The grape was very juicy. Hoped none of that juice was saliva.

7. Grape I choked on while playing the “toss it and catch it with your mouth” game

My friend and I were at the park and I missed like fifteen times before catching one, but it slid right into my windpipe and I couldn’t breathe until a stranger rushed over and Heimliched me while my friend—Derrick—just watched with a small smile on his face. Jesus, Derrick, nothing happened between me and Jenni!

I had hocked up the grape into the dirt next to an overflowing trash can, but I popped it back in my mouth so it didn’t think it had beaten me.

8. A grape on a pizza

I shit you not. My dad got this pizza oven for Christmas, and whenever he has us over it’s freaking Pizzapalooza and he’ll throw anything on there. I had just started acknowledging pineapple as a topping because my girlfriend Jenny insists on it (her name being Jenny—with a Y, by the way—is a coincidence, and not nearly as weird as Derrick makes it out to be), so I reluctantly gave it a whirl.

Made me swear off not only grapes on pizza, but also rescind my tenuous approval of pineapple. If that means I have to find another Jen—another girlfriend, so be it.

9 & 10. A wax grape.

I was three. Then fourteen.

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