What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette

Smoking kills.

No way, I love my lungs.

He will know.

Taking a puff isn’t up to snuff.

I am neither a joker nor a smoker.

Sam will find out.

No siree, no cigarette for me!

Nah bro, that shit’s poison.

I don’t want my future to go up in smoke.

Sam is always watching.

Sorry, I don’t smoke. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.

Smoking? Thanks, friend, but I think I’ll stick to breathing.

Sam has a documentary crew following my every move. They take detailed notes on all of my meals and human interactions.

I’d rather have a juicy fig than a stinky cig.

YUCK! Get that cigarette away from me.

Sam gives me one “virtue credit” every time I turn down a cigarette. Once I earn ten virtue credits, I can have a three-minute phone call with one excommunicated family member of my choosing.

If you light up, it’s lights out. That’s something Sam told me.

You have no idea what Sam is capable of.

I only smoke after I’ve partaken in carnal pleasures with a beautiful woman.

Smoking a cigarette? You do realize you can get thrown off an airplane for that. Really, I saw Sam push a guy out of the emergency exit over the Atlantic.

Gag me with a spoon, smoking’s so bogus.

What? My lingo is outdated? Sam limits my contact with the outside world.

No, thanks, I’ll stick to my flaxseed smoothie. It’s just a bunch of liquified flax seeds. I’m expected to drink one every day.

The tax-exempt quasi-religious group I was strong-armed into joining has taught me to never give in to peer pressure.

Tobacco is a gateway drug to having a Cosmopolitan mindset.

I can’t afford to get lung cancer – Sam controls my assets.

I had a dream that I was a cigarette. I was nestled in a dark box with my cigarette friends. But then I realized it wasn’t a dream, and that I was just serving Reflection Time in The Pit again.

Cigarettes are for beatniks and the French.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been asked what I want. The absence of choice is both a liberation and a prison.

Okay, fine, I’ll have one. I don’t care what happens to me.

God, that cigarette was good. So good. Can I have another? What’s the difference between one and two? Sam’s going to put me in The Pit anyway.

Say, you’ve got a generous spirit and an attentive ear. Here’s a card with the time and date of our next Tribunal. I think you’d be a great asset to Sam’s Collection.

No, thanks!

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