Restrictions to the Office’s Communal Robert’s Motorcycle

Dear employees,

A quick reminder that the office kitchen is a shared space. Please remember to pick up your belongings left on the counter or in the fridge.

This courtesy applies to other communal spaces, listed below for your reference:

Communal

Kitchen
Conference Room
Phone Booth
Robert’s motorcycle
Bathrooms

Not Communal

My office

Correction:
Robert’s motorcycle is not a communal space. It’s an experience.

Dear all,

I’ve received some concerns about personal items being improperly used. Let me clarify, Robert’s motorcycle is only for employees whose parents never allowed them to have one or whose spouse forbade it.

Those looking to reserve 15-minute blocks should reach out to me for a form.

(Note: The next three weeks are completely booked out by me, I recommend reserving at least a month in advance.)

Those asking how it can be both communal and Robert’s, I say we all contain multitudes. Simultaneously shared and spoken for, individual and united. It’s overwhelming to think how each person’s life is as complex and nuanced as your own.

That anxiety melts away when you’re ripping 80 on open road.

Apologies to Robert C. who believed his Ducati was being taken for joy rides. Your hog doesn’t have the torque necessary for adequate thrills. We were referring to Robert H.

Robert’s motorcycle is for only the most seasoned. Please do not straddle the beast unless you have experience wielding crotch rockets of NASA caliber.

If you’re interested in learning to ride, I will be teaching a 36-week, six-hour introductory course on Saturdays while Robert is out of town. Without certification, you will be presumed ineligible.

Dear snitches,

To whoever felt HR should be informed, shame on you. Our focus should be on maximizing value and promoting teamwork, not infighting. Robert H. is a prime example, creating value through both his dedicated work ethic and a chopper that rumbles my perineum so intensely it’s unlocked desires I’m scared to confront.

To those asking when performance reviews will be completed, I will get to them. I need to clear my head with some fresh air.

[URGENT]

If you have moved the keys, please replace them in Robert’s drawer immediately. They’re not in his backpack or apartment.

Re: [URGENT]

Disregard. Left them in the ignition.

All,

I was really hoping to avoid a tragedy of the communals, but due to repeated checkouts by a fingerful of individuals, I’m left with no choice but to hold on to the keys until further notice.

Robert H. (cc’d), I hope you understand. Happy to drive you home, I brought an extra helmet.

Hi all,

Please sign the attached joint statement expressing our mutual enjoyment of the motorcycle. I will be passing it along to legal to alleviate Robert’s frustration and recognize its collective good.

Working on performance reviews right now, by the way…

Thanks!

Dear all,

Before my email is deactivated, I want to say how messed up this world has become. Remember when we were kids, sharing was what? Caring. Not “a gross misuse of employees’ personal property” whatever that means.

If you want to reach me after my departure, hang a thumb out on my stretch of I-82. Wait for the blur and monstrous roar of power.

That’s me, blowing right past you. Eat my dust.

Read More 

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