If LinkedIn Existed During Biblical Times

HIRING: One male and one female of every animal. Please submit a cover letter explaining why you are the most qualified/fertile of your species. This is an unpaid position but there are life-changing benefits and a network of great connections available. The exact job description will remain confidential until the right candidates are found.

Please do not inquire as to the specifics of this role/why we are hiring at this time, as all will be revealed eventually to any relevant candidates/everyone.

ADAM
Founder of Humanity

I was talking to my favorite son the other day (kidding, I love both my sons equally), and he asked me for my top career tips as the first man ever created. I knew he would go far, so I gave him these three pieces of advice.

Never give up. Sure, it was hard when Eve and I were ejected from the Garden of Eden, but did we let that stop our journey? No way. We may have created original sin, but that didn’t mean we had to create original failure too! We kept on waking up and giving 110% and now look at us – two beautiful sons, whom (again) we love equally.
Know who’s on your team. I love my wife, but there’s something to be said for separating personal and professional. Next time, I’ll appoint someone not so susceptible to temptation and/or snakes to manage paradise!
Don’t eat apples. No matter how good your wife tells you it’ll taste! I mean, they’re good, but not that good.

SEEKING WORK! Wise man with decades of experience ruling a kingdom, selecting and giving gifts, being wise, etc. I recently made the tough decision to leave my job and follow a star to attend the birth of our once and future king. I delivered my gift of frankincense successfully and received lots of positive feedback on my performance (can provide references from angels and shepherds also present at the birth).

Unfortunately, the star has disappeared and I can no longer find my way home, so I am now searching for job opportunities here in Bethlehem. Interested in any and all roles connected to being king, praising God, hotel management, etc. I also have two friends with similar qualifications seeking employment.

Please message me with any leads!

Comment

So sorry to hear about this! Do you have construction experience? We are a local hotel interested in expansion. This holiday season was much busier than expected, so we are looking to add more rooms at our inn or, alternatively, convert our already perfectly livable barn into a guest house. Shoot me a message if interested!

We’re #hiring! I’m working on the tower of Babel and الجميع يتحدثون لغات مختلفة الآن، لذلك شهدنا عمليات تسريح جماعي للعمال. لا أستطيع أن أفهم شيئًا، إنها فوضى على السقالات. لقد سقط بالفعل خمسة أشخاص وماتوا. كنت أعلم أنه لا ينبغي لنا أن نحاول الوصول إلى الجنة. أوه لا، أنا أتحدث لغة مختلفة الآن، أليس كذلك؟ يساعد. يساعد

LAZARUS
Writer, Preacher, Believer

I’m thrilled to announce that I have accepted a new position as alive! This may come as a shock to everyone who thought I was dead, but after four long days of entombment, I am so excited to rejoin the land of the living. Absolutely could not have done this without my biggest cheerleader Jesus who resurrected me! Some will call it a miracle, but I call it hard work paying off. Cannot wait to see what this brand-new future holds!

Watch out world, Lazarus is coming for you!

I was down on my luck. I was unemployed. I didn’t like the offers I was receiving. And then, to top it all off, I was swallowed by a whale.

I won’t lie to you—I thought it was over. I spent three days in that whale, feeling sorry for myself. And then I started reflecting on my career journey before my ship was smashed to pieces en route to Tarshish. You see, I had just gotten an offer to preach to the Ninevites, but I thought, “No way! I’m better than that po-dunk place.” But down there in that large intestine, with nothing but noxious fumes and krill shells to keep me going, I finally saw what I had been missing.

Maybe I was better than Ninevah—but Ninevah wasn’t better than me. They needed my relevant skills and expertise. They were completely living in the 6th century BCE. I mean, they hadn’t even heard of the wheel yet! Sometimes that’s what it’s all about – changing your thinking. As soon as I changed mine, the whale blew me right out onto Ninevah’s shores.

Do I wish I had reliable dental and a 401k? You bet. But let me tell you, the magic of seeing the difference I can make in these barbarians’ lives, plus not having to live inside a whale, makes every day worth it.

You Won’t Believe This Insane Story! Thousands of hungry people waited on a hilltop to hear Jesus preach, but there was not enough food to go around. What Did Jesus Do? He lay his hands on a loaf of bread and it multiplied! He did the same for fish and for wine. Unbelievable! Everyone Ate And Was Satisfied! This is why Jesus is the one true Son of God and deserves to be worshiped. He is too humble to tell the story himself so we must spread the word! Gone are the days of plague and famine – it will be Paradise from here on out! Nothing Bad Could Ever Happen To Us Or To Jesus! #Inspirational #SonofGod #EventProduction #FoodAndBev #VendorCoordination #Innovation #DreamCEO #GirlBoss #BoyBoss #DataAnalysis #AssetGrowth

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