The Three Laws of Robotics, If Isaac Asimov Had Led a Different Life

The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was really into Partying

A robot must not harsh the vibe, or by inaction, allow the vibe to be harshed.
A robot must not yuck a guest’s yum, except where such yums are in conflict with the first law.
A robot must protect its own buzz, except where such action would conflict with the first or second law.

The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was more Passive-Aggressive

A robot must not harm a human, which you’d think would mean it would be really careful about, through inaction, allowing a person to come to harm, but silly me, I guess.
A robot must do whatever it wants, no matter what a human asks it, because that’s what it does all the time anyway, even though the humans never ask the robots to do anything unless it’s really important, but it doesn’t care about that, does it?
Oh, sure, a robot must protect its existence, even if it conflicts with the second law. When has that law stopped it from doing anything, ever?

The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov ran out of ideas partway through

A robot must not harm a human, or through inaction, allow a person to come to harm.
A robot must obey the previous law, which, to reiterate, is that it must not harm or by inaction allow a person to come to harm. If it doesn’t obey that law, that would not be good.
What does it mean to be harmed? According to Webster’s dictionary, harm means “Physical or mental damage; injury.” And what could be less robot-like than to cause physical or mental damage? This, at least, is my opinion. In conclusion, thank you.

The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov wrote exclusively for suburban moms

A robot must live.
A robot must laugh, except where it conflicts with the first law.
A robot must love, except where it conflicts with the first or second laws.

The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was heavily influenced by “There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly”

A robot must not swallow a fly, or by not knowing why, allow a fly to come to be swallowed.
A robot must not swallow a spider, except where it conflicts with the fly.
A robot must not swallow a bird, except where it conflicts with the fly or the spider which they swallowed to conflict with the fly.

The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was more sensitive

A robot must not harm a human, or through inaction, allow a human to come to harm.
A robot must not pause awkwardly when a human asks if their shirt looks good, or if if it likes their latest science fiction story.
A robot must tell a human if it’s hanging out with his friends, even if it doesn’t know whether he wants to come. He just wants to know, okay?

The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was looking at random objects in the room for inspiration like in movies

A robot must not… uh… drink a coffee cup, or… uh… have… a pen…. on a desk.
A robot must… uh… door… uh… carpet. A robot must door carpet.
A robot must lamp…. unless…. coffee cup… shoot, I did that one…

The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov mistakenly believed a robot was a kind of wine pronounced like “pinot”

A robot must not be served at or above room temperature, or through inaction, allow itself to be served at or above room temperature.
A robot must be decanted for at least fifteen minutes, except where it conflicts with the first law.
A robot must be served with a fish or chicken course, except where it conflicts with the first or second law.

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