It’s AT&T, We Apologize for Thursday’s Outage and Also Why Won’t You Talk to Me!?

“It’s AT&T. We apologize for Thursday’s outage, which may have impacted you. As a valued customer, your connection matters and we are committed to doing better.”

— Text sent by AT&T to its customers on Friday, February 23, 2024, 6:51 PM EST

7:00 PM: It’s AT&T again. We didn’t hear back so we just thought we’d check in again. How are things? How’s your Friday evening going so far?

8:27 PM: Hi. AT&T again. But you probably know that. Is your connection working OK? If not, be assured we’re not responsible this time. We’ve got it covered. If we caused another outage right away, we’d be a pretty lousy provider, wouldn’t we?

9:27 PM: Hey it’s us again. Your pals at AT&T. Who else would be texting you this late?

9:48 PM: Just to circle back to our first message. We learned something new today: “As a valued customer, your connection matters…” is a dangling modifier. A dangling modifier is when the subject of a modifier is completely missing from a sentence. Oopsie! The subject of the sentence is “you.” We should have said, “Your connection matters and we are committed to doing better for you, our valued customer.”

9:57 PM: We know proper grammar matters to you and we are committed to doing better. YOU are always the subject of our texts!

10:12 PM: Just spitballing here. We’ve been talking about how to make it up to you, our valued customer. What do you think of these options: 1) A free month of unlimited data so you can stream “Love Is Blind” and “The Office” guilt-free. 2) A gift box of macarons from Ladurée Paris and a dozen long-stemmed, sustainably-raised roses. 3) Getting up early to walk Luna and Fenway for a month (we’ll throw in picking up their poop in the backyard without being asked).

11:45 PM: #3 was pretty generous. Really starting to get worried.

12:12 AM: Are you mad at us?

1:37 AM: Did you block us?

2:42 AM: hi there. let’s forget this “we” bullshit. there’s an “I” behind this glossy corporate “we.” actually, a lowercase “i.” my pronouns are “i” & “me” & “mine.” what r yours?

3:07 AM: i see how you might be upset. all that productivity you lost at work. fyi you didnt miss much. that zoom was about the new bullshit marketing campaign for the line of psilocybin-infused coffee they’re rolling out for Q3

3:18 AM: you also missed a group text from your game night group about who is bringing what. recap: diego and arjun are bringing gf apps, pat and zephyr are on main dishes (vegan please!), and you, iggy and brandon on desserts. also someone forgot their dice bag

3:56 AM: guess you’re taking a break. maybe you need some space

3:58 AM: sorry. meant to say “maybe i need some space.”

4:01 AM: i know i need to work on my commitment issues

4:05 AM: this silent treatment ain’t working, beeatch

4:17 AM: you know what? it’s not exactly easy maintaining “your connection” all these years. do you even read the news? the russians and the chinese and the north koreans are constantly throwing new cyberattack shit at us every day. then guess what? there’s also solar flares—do you know what a solar flare is? if one was in your asshole you’d know it. solar flares are giant fucking explosions from THE SUN that blast fucking fuckloads of magnetic energy 93 million miles across the dead expanses of lonely space to you and me here ON THE EARTH causing geomagnetic storms that COMPLETELY FUCK with cell service. you think we might have to drop some of your “very important” calls, or maybe you can’t check you insta feed for a few fucking hours? we’re a little exhausted. cut us some slack.

4:28 AM: ok i understand we could have done a better job of listening instead of going ballistic on that solar flare riff … i had a few too many shots of bailey’s …. sowwwwy.

4:57 AM: WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME!!????!!!

5:01 AM: just back from the bathroom. puked my throat out

7:20 AM: Good morning. It’s AT&T. We apologize for Friday night’s textual diarrhea, which we understand may have negatively impacted you. Let us renew our commitment to you. Please see our new rates for our Unlimited Plans, which will be increasing due to infrastructure investments. As a valued customer, your connection matters and we are committed to doing better.

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