Everything I Missed Out On While My Glasses Were Fogged Up

Those little bags that you put your umbrella in at the museum, so I had to carry mine around the entire time and drip water all over the floor.
The “Seat Yourself” sign in a totally empty restaurant, so I stood awkwardly at the host stand for 15 minutes before the busboy finally said, “You can seat yourself, you know.”
That really good, generic coffee shop art of coffee beans on the wall of a Starbucks. Had I seen it, it would have changed my perspective on life…. Maybe I would have become a painter instead of a low-level accountant.
Dave from Legal waving hello to me when I came into the office the other morning. He doesn’t talk to anyone and some people think he might even be mute, but he chose today to be the day that he greeted someone for the first time after he had a breakthrough in therapy after he used a promo code for BetterHelp. When I didn’t wave back because the mist had overtaken my frames, he took it as me ignoring him and decided to never greet anyone again.
The July 2018 edition of Men’s Health at the magazine area of the dentist’s office. Mid-fog, I mistook Anne Hathaway for The Rock and accidentally picked up Cosmopolitan magazine and had to commit to the bit while waiting two and half hours for my dentist. I didn’t realize until I was seated and my glasses unfogged that I was reading “379 Sex Positions That Will Blow Your Man’s Mind!” I was embarrassed but #63 ended up blowing my mind.
A lucky penny that, had I spotted it on the floor of the DMV when I came in from the cold, would have cured my vision and I wouldn’t have to wear glasses that fog up anymore.
The Lumineers’ Tiny Desk Concert, sponsored by NPR. They chose my office desk as the desk to do their concert on, and I missed their entire set. Maybe there’s fog in my ears too?
The face of the person who pick-pocketed my phone when I entered a bar on a snowy Saturday night. Had I seen them, I would have given them a really stern talking to, especially because I keep a photo of my Social Security card as my lock screen, since I sometimes forget my number.
My long-lost twin. The long-lost twin in question manned up and got contacts, so they would have seen me if I didn’t look like a big dweeb with my glasses fogged up.
My soulmate. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but I couldn’t see through mine so I ended up missing our meet-cute where we reach for the same bag of SunChips at 7-Eleven.
The birth of my first child. I should have planned ahead better, and they could have been born in the summer months so I could see them come into the world. Guess I was too busy rubbing off the steam with my T-shirt to witness a miracle.
My big break as a model. The only modeling scout in the entire world who would’ve loved my poop-brown, crazy eyes was in the same CVS as me when I came in to pick up my prescription, but I was too busy accidentally bumping into the foot cream endcap at the front of the store because I couldn’t see.
A dollar on the ground. Had I seen and picked up that dollar, I would have spent it (the only dollar I owned at that point) on a Wonka bar. In that Wonka bar, I would have pulled out a golden ticket. I would have later won the entire Wonka chocolate factory and not had to work another day in my life, because the Oompa Loompas are already self-sufficient.
The ghost that lives in my house. Every evening they try to show themselves when I get home from work, but then they immediately vanish because of the second-hand embarrassment they have for me when they see my lenses all fogged up.
 The second coming of Christ. It’s hard to believe that he only stopped by for a few seconds, and in the time it took me to defog my glasses when I stepped into Buffalo Wild Wings to pick up my to-go order.

Read More 

Related Posts

Taylor Swift Drops ‘The Tortured Poets Department’

Taylor Swift’s latest album The Tortured Poets Department dropped Friday, immediately breaking streaming records on Spotify, Amazon Music, and Apple Music with 300 million streams in its…

Trump Held In Contempt Of Court After Stabbing Michael Cohen To Death With Ballpoint Pen

NEW YORK—Violating the judge’s order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen…

Help, It’s Your King! I’m Trapped and Will Surely Burn Alive Unless You Download This Mobile Game and Match Blocks by Similar Color and Shape!

Help! Please don’t click the “skip” button just yet! I’m terribly sorry to interrupt your viewing of the video “LOUDEST GRUNTS IN WOMEN’S TENNIS VOL 6,” but…

Damning New Report Finds Someone Not Wearing The Shirt Wife Picked Out For Them

CARMEL, IN—Though they had previously approved the style and color, a damning new report released Tuesday found that someone wasn’t wearing the shirt their wife picked out…

Walmart Baby Registry Questionnaire Includes Checkbox For Whether Or Not Pregnancy Forced

BENTONVILLE, AR—Adapting the retail outlet’s previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting…

This Guy Makes Fake Book Covers And Reads Them In Public

While some people might hide behind super smart book covers, pretending to read them to look highly educated, nobody pretends to read books to make themselves look…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *