Shut Up, Antidiabetic Medicine Jardiance®, Just Shut Up—You Had Me at “Serious Side Effects Can Include Necrotizing Fasciitis”

Stop! Don’t get on that plane!

I know this is crazy, but before you walk down the jetway, just hear me out. For the first time in my life, I’m throwing caution to the wind and following my heart. I might be a small-town girl caught up in a romantic fairy tale, but, as I stand here before you, vulnerable and open, I know what I want.

And it’s you, once-daily sodium-glucose cotransporter-2 enzyme inhibitor type 2 diabetes medicine Jardiance®, it’s always been you!

Shh, please. Let me finish.

Since the moment we first met, I knew you were the one. I’ll never forget how safe you made me feel, the electricity of our first kiss, the way you blocked the SGLT2 found in the proximal tubules of nephrotic components in my kidneys—I was head over heels from the start.

Sure, I can be naive to the ways of the world, but I know what love is. Love is delicate, unwavering, and telling your doctor if you have or ever had a bladder infection, urination problems, a genital infection, problems with your pancreas, a history of amputation, type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis, a decrease in insulin dose, a change in diet, if you currently drink large amounts of alcohol, if you’re 65 or older, or suffer from liver or kidney disease.

If that’s not love, then I don’t want to know what is.

What will my father say? Who cares! Our love belongs to us and us only. No one can take that away, be it my father or Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals in partnership with Eli Lilly and Company, LLC.

I know it hasn’t always been easy. You, with your increased risk of genital fungal infections in people who have a prior history of genital fungal infections, and me, with my prior history of genital fungal infections. But true love takes hard work.

Please, my love, please don’t say that. I’m not like the other girls. I don’t care if you slightly increase low-density lipoprotein cholesterol in the range of 2-4% from baseline. I don’t care about that at all!

There’s always going to be those who say, “Don’t take Jardiance® if you are allergic to Jardiance®.” Or others who think I’m only with you to lower my A1C and reduce the risk of cardiovascular death. Oh, please. They’re just jealous of how you increase sugar loss in my urine. Typical.

So what if confusion, irritability, and hunger are common occurrences? Who cares about a higher risk of lower limb amputation? I don’t give a damn about painful tenderness of the penis! The only thing that matters is the way you make ME feel. And, baby, I don’t know how your active ingredient empagliflozin does it, but the way you treat symptomatic chronic heart failure across the full spectrum of left ventricular ejection fraction always leaves my body vibrating in pure orgasmic ecstasy.

Love is more powerful than any side effect, like whatever Fournier’s gangrene is. That much I know.

So shut up, Jardiance®, just shut up. You had me at “serious side effects can include necrotizing fasciitis, a rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to the tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”

Now get over here and kiss me, you big, dumb, FDA approved in children 10 years and older with type 2 diabetes antidiabetic medicine!

Oh, and sorry about the smell. There’s something crazy going on down there that I just can’t get rid of.

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