Please Stop Doing Crimes in Our CubeSmart

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: New Rules

Dear CubeSmart Renters,

It has recently come to our attention that our CubeSmart is being used for crimes. Please stop doing this. We understand that the CubeSmart has low lighting and even lower security. We realize that every single episode of Law and Order has a scene involving a CubeSmart.

However, these $200/month, 6×12 concrete cubes can’t just be a free-for-all. The debauchery must end.

For example, please stop meeting up with thugs, riffraff, and hired goons to launder money in our CubeSmart. We do have cameras installed. We know it’s counterfeit bills in those duffel bags. And sheet metal garage doors are not soundproof.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Tom

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Illicit Substances in the Cubes

Dear CubeSmart Renters,

I regret needing to send another email of this nature, but please stop storing cocaine in our CubeSmart. We vacuum the corridors bi-weekly and we are not responsible for lost contraband. If it’s considered contraband, it really should not be in our CubeSmart.

Thank you,

Tom

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: It Happened Again

Hello,

I’ll cut to the chase—

Please stop running blackjack tables out of the CubeSmart. And when a seemingly successful businessman is actually deeply in debt to the gambling ring, please stop tying him to a chair in the bowels of the CubeSmart, roughing him up a bit, and leaving him there overnight as a scare tactic. Our janitorial staff is tired of untying shell-shocked men who’ve seen their lives flash before their eyes before they’ve had their morning coffee.

Appreciated,

Tom

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Sub-cubes?

Hello again,

Please stop dividing your cubes into sub-cubes, and then renting off those sub-cubes for profit. It’s in violation of your contract to sublease your cube. Also, it’s clear these sub-cube businesses are just fronts for all the cocaine.

Please also refrain from harboring live animals in the CubeSmart. Our cubes are not a suitable environment for a pangolin, and turning up the thermostat to make the CubeSmart “tropical” is not okay.

Animals, especially of the illegally trafficked variety, are not permitted on the property, unless of course, they are a registered therapy pet. But we know for a fact they don’t give out those registrations to pangolins.

Tom

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Art Fraud and Ants!!!!! Please respond.

Guys…

Please stop inviting black market art dealers to the CubeSmart. We’ve heard rumors of Van Goghs and Picassos being moved through the CubeSmart. Believe me when I say we don’t have the kind of insurance that covers stolen priceless artifacts.

Also, the art dealers leave a lot of half-finished cheese boards around the place, and that attracts ants. Ants are bad for the CubeSmart. Yes, the pangolins do eat the ants, but we really want to remain firm on “no pangolins.”

Tom

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Recent Developments

It’s Tom.

This should go without saying, but please do not live in the cubes. We’ve noticed rows and rows of bunk beds in the cubes, and it’s highly improbable you’re all just storing obviously slept-in bunk beds. Yes, the city is expensive, but while CubeSmart is a family, it is not a home.

Which leads me to my next point: Please stop building a government in the CubeSmart. We are a registered business in the United States, not “The Libertarian Republic of Cubetopia.” Furthermore, please stop holding tribal councils to vote people out of Cubetopia. Open flames, including authentic Survivor torches, are not permitted in the building. We know you’re covering the smoke detectors with plastic bags.

Please.

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Guys, I’m Begging

Tom again…

As a personal request, please stop storing haunted dolls in our CubeSmart. While not technically illegal, it’s very scary and bad for business and also bad for me. One of the dolls followed me home last week and my wife said if it happens again, she’s gone.

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: ???????

Please stop doing whatever the fuck is going on in Cube 1253. We see the bubbling tank of formaldehyde. We see the steel table adorned with lightning rods. We’ve heard the screams of “It’s alive!” Whatever it is, it’s a no from us.

It’s not against US law to play God, but we’re really worried about the moral implications of creating life from death. So knock it off.

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
SUBJECT: For the Love of God and Pangolins

PLEASE! Stop storing fireworks in our CubeSmart. Between the Survivor cosplay and the flagrant disregard for the “No Smoking” signs, we have a serious problem with open flames in this establishment, and it’s bad for everyone if the CubeSmart goes kablammo in a dazzling burst of patriotism. Think of all the pangolins and cocaine that would be lost in the blast. (Not that I or CubeSmart management profit from those in any way.)

FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Street CubeSmart
CC: Mike at Cubetopia
SUBJECT: Thank You for 20 Great Years at CubeSmart

Dear CubeSmart Renters,

Today marks my last day as the manager of the 2nd Street CubeSmart. Mike, cc’d here, will be taking over in my place—as elected by you, the people of Cubetopia.

His office is located on-site, in the presidential cube, directly across from the confiscated weapons cache.

Sayonara.

Tom

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