Thoughts from My Yearly Run

Alright. I’ve got this, I can definitely, maybe, no, for sure I can do this.

I am doing this!

I just need to walk out that door and I am doing this. Should I eat breakfast first? No, just go. I’ve got this.

I can be a runner. Even that bitch Allison is a runner and I could definitely beat her up. I’m not going to beat her up, I’m just saying I can be a runner if she can be a runner.

Wait, should I stretch?

I’m not stalling, I swear, I just need to Google best-stretches-running-question-mark.

Actually, since I’m on my phone I’m just going to send this email real quick before I forget.

Why did I say I could beat her up? That was weird.

OK, let’s go outside! Oh god, it’s cold. Holy shit do people run in… in… in 40 degrees? Really? That’s all?

OK we are running! Fuck you, Allison! I am coming for you!

Not like that, not like that.

I can do this. Running is not that hard, it’s primitive. We’re all built to be runners.

30 seconds, that’s it? It’s fine, I’m fine. I’m just getting warmed up.

I just needed to set my mind to it and look at me now, I can barely see my building anymore and no signs of stopping anytime soon.

Normally right here is where I would want to stop. Yup, right here is where I would want to stop. Right here. This time is going to be different because I am committed. I’m in better shape. I work out every day.

Well, every weekday.

This isn’t going to be like last time because I’m invested. Sometimes I skip Mondays but really, most weekdays.

I’m financially accountable. I have an Apple Watch, new shoes, the right bra, and leggings that cost more than my car payment. I will not be distracted.

How the FUCK are my shoes already dirty?

I could do this all day. I bet you I could do a marathon at this pace. I should look into the next one and sign up.

Just two minutes, huh? Definitely thought it was longer.

I don’t know, maybe Boston? That’s the big one, right? Is that like, too crazy?

I wasn’t ready before. I didn’t have my life together.

Don’t look at the watch, don’t look at the watch, don’t look at the watch.

I don’t have my life together now, but I think I would if I were a runner because running teaches discipline.

Oh look, there’s what’s-her-name. She’s running, I’m running. Go ahead and wave. She respects me now. We’re runners. Hi!

See? My friendships will be stronger because people respect runners.

Normally I’d feel tired right now at… four minutes? WHAT.

It’s so good to get outside. I never take the time to appreciate nature. Could I climb Everest? I’m outdoorsy now.

Five minutes? You’re FUCKING lying. Is my watch broken? Should I call Apple? I can’t go for a run if my watch isn’t recording it.

Not the part of Everest where people die but one of the base camps for sure.

Don’t take a break, don’t take a break, OK, at ten minutes you can take a break.

OK we are taking a break and walking for 30 seconds but THAT IS IT.

Just 45 more seconds and we start running again.

OK it is time to run, let’s pick up the pace. We just need to pick up the pace, we are just going to pick up the pace in just a second. In just 15 more seconds.

I can’t breathe, is that normal? Do I have Covid? If I have Covid I really shouldn’t be running.

Is this how people die on Everest?

What if I have an undiagnosed lung issue? Should I have consulted a doctor before I started running?

Focus on the view! You’re outside.

Fuck outside. Outside is fucking shit! I don’t want to be outside, I want to be inside on my couch!

Goddamnit, there’s what’s-her-name again, barely breaking a sweat. FUCK YOU.

Hi neighbor! I know, it’s so crazy, we’re both runners!

I will fuck her and Allison up!

Goddamnit, not like that, not like that.

Six minutes?! That’s it? Is that a mile?! That has to be a mile. No way that isn’t a mile.

New plan: make it to one mile.

I’ve heard running alone can be really dangerous for women, I could get murdered. I definitely saw that on the news and on all of the Law and Orders.

So I should stop, right? For safety, obviously? Not because I want to. Because I could keep going.

You know who really has their life together? People who meditate.

Read More 

Related Posts

Arkansas Government Questioned About $19,000 Lectern Purchase

During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 “consulting fee”…

White House Gardener Finds Rotting Biden In Compost Bin

WASHINGTON—With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president’s flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday…

Martin Scorcese To Direct Leonardo DiCaprio As Frank Sinatra For Rest Of Their Lives

LOS ANGELES—Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for…

Leak Suggests New Taylor Swift Album All About Sink Not Draining Good Because It Clogged By Long Hair

LOS ANGELES—Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would…

Pros And Cons Of Caitlin Clark Going To The WNBA

Iowa women’s basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates…

Attention-Seeking Friend Obviously Hoping Someone Will Ask Where Other Arm Went

CHAMPAIGN, IL—As she struggled to pull open the café door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *