Job Listing for a Company That Does Things Hella Different

Vroom Juice Energy Drinks is on the hunt for a rock star, go-getter, perfectionist Social Media Manager with a six-pack and a sub-six-minute mile time.

We want someone who lives, sleeps, and breathes our core values of Making Money, Shilling Caffeine, and Making Money from Shilling Caffeine. This job isn’t like other jobs. Because this job comes with a free t-shirt on your first day.

We want someone with a heart of gold and testicles of titanium. (Our lawyers want us to clarify that we don’t discriminate on the basis of gender.) Bonus points if you’ve been to Banff and your quads look good in shorts with a 5” inseam. (Again, this isn’t technically discriminatory; if you’re jumping to gendered conclusions, that’s a you-problem.) If you care deeply about results and have at least four buddies named Tyler, we can’t wait to meet you.

At Vroom Juice, we take fun seriously. In fact, we take it so seriously that if we discover you not having fun on the job, you will be penalized. Vroom Juice has a zero-tolerance policy for people who bum us out.

In this position, you should be so proactive that you don’t only do things before you’re asked; you do things before you even think about doing them. That’s right, we’re looking for someone capable of time travel who still wants to work this 9-6 office job. But tbh, who wouldn’t—there’s VR Golf in the lobby.

Our company motto is, “People First, Products First, Quality First.” This phrase might seem like word salad that doesn’t really mean anything. But if you think about it, we are actually very deep and profound, because our CEO insists we are. Vroom 4 Lyfe!

We care about our people so much that we use snappy terminology to describe them. We don’t have “employees,” we have “Squad Members.” That’s right. It took us five separate meetings to vote on that phrase. (Personally, I lobbied for “Company Simp-Chimps” but you can’t always get what you want.)

Think about it this way: other companies are the Bad Guys, and we’re the Good Guys*, because eventually, once we’re solvent, we’re gonna donate energy drinks to undercaffeinated children across the globe. (*Yes, legal team, I mean “guys” in a gender-neutral way.)

You’re probably a good fit if:

You still enjoy doing the water bottle flip challenge.
You can wear multiple hats, including: content manager, producer, writer, editor, payroll specialist, intern coordinator, and Nike fitted. In fact, we can’t even list all the responsibilities you’ll have because the CEO makes all his decisions day of with a magic 8-ball, so you should be ready for anything.

Squad Member Benefits:

Unlimited PTO. But when you use your Unlimited PTO, your supervisor will grill you about where you’re going and what the ski conditions will be like, so it will end up being way more annoying than taking time off at a normal company with capped PTO.
Our HQ office fridges are stocked with free, unlimited Vroom Juice (even the flavors that haven’t been released yet because we’re waiting on the stupid FDA. Dude, there’s barely any metal in our Tropical Titanium flavor).
You get to participate in Cowabunga Meatball. Basically, on Friday afternoons, we scream at the top of our lungs and dump a tray of meatballs on the floor to make our custodians’ lives hell. It never stops being funny.

Even if you don’t meet all our criteria, if you have a passion for awesome sauce and would be a decent setter on our corporate beach volleyball team, we encourage you to apply. Above all, Vroom Juice values loyalty and we’re looking to reward people who want to stay with us for the long haul. We haven’t technically been around long enough to provide any proof of that, and truth is, operations are pretty loosey-goosey right now, so it wouldn’t be a surprise if turnover ends up being extremely high.

When submitting your application, please include the phrase COWABUNGA MEATBALL in your subject line to prove you’ve read the whole listing. That said, we already hired someone for the position, and yes he is a blood relative of mine.

Oh, but we are legit hiring a custodian. Must love pranks.

Stay Vroomy,


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