After Credit Scenes from the Bible

Genesis

And it came to pass that a man sat in the shadows, which did hide his face. And an underling came unto him, and said “Verily, my master, all is as you have commanded. The workers have begun construction on the Second Tower of Babel.”

And the man in shadows did reply, “Excellent. Soon I’ll be face to face with the Lord, and I’ll get my chance…”

And he did lean forward into the light, revealing the Mark of Cain, which was upon his brow. “To raise Cain.”

Exodus

And the waves of the Red Sea did wash the Pharaoh’s headdress onto the shore. A woman kneeled down to pick it up, and lo, it was the female slave who was sent by the Pharaoh’s daughter to pick up Moses in the basket. She had, in secret, been planning everything, the entire time.

And she said, “I always knew his hardened heart would get him one day.”

And one of the Egyptian magicians, who was also in on it, came to her and asked “Shall we pursue the Israelites?”

And she did reply, “No, they are of no concern to us. Let them wander in the desert. We shall begin… Project Babylon.”

Judges

It happened then that a cloaked figure walked at night through the ruins of the Temple of the Philistines, which Samson had pulled down on himself with the last of his strength. The mysterious man found a spot, kneeled down and began to sift through the rocks.

The man dug for several seconds before stopping, triumphantly. Slowly, he removed the object he had been seeking from the rubble: the donkey’s jawbone, with which Samson slew 1,000 Philistines.

The man hid the jawbone in his sleeve and did scurry into the darkness.

Ruth

Ruth and Boaz sat in their house, and were most comforted by each other in their hearts.

Boaz said to Ruth, “I guess after all that, it must be a relief finally having a nice, boring day together.”

And Ruth said, “Yes, it’s certainly just what I needed.”

They both sat there, in silence, and stared into the distance.

Then Boaz did say, “You hate it too, don’t you?”

And Ruth answered, “Oh, God, I can’t stand it.”

Then suddenly, the door did burst open, and Naomi stood there, wearing a humorously improbable costume which was covered in blood.

“You’ve got to come quickly!” she said. “There’s been a murder!”

Boaz and Ruth looked at each other and smiled, most mischievously.

This time, they wouldn’t be gleaning barley. They’d be gleaning the truth.

1 Samuel

In those days, at the house of the Witch of Endor, the prophet Samuel was still standing, just where she had summoned him to appear to Saul.

He cried out, “Hellooooo?! Is anyone going to send me back to the land of the dead? Helloooo!”

But there came no answer.

Job

And Satan stood outside the house of Job in Uz, where he lived with his new riches and his new and bounteous family.

Satan did smile and said, “You didn’t think you’d seen the last of me, did you?”

Jonah

Now Jonah sat at a tavern, drinking and feeling most sore in heart.

Then, a man came up to him from behind.

The man said, “That was some good work you pulled in Nineveh.”

But Jonah said, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

The man said. “I’ve been looking for men like you. See, I’m putting together a team.”

Jonah answered, “A team? What kind of team?”

The man sat down, and Jonah knew him. It was Elijah, who was carried into heaven by a chariot of fire.

Elijah said, “I call it… the Prophet Initiative.”

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