Journal Entries from a Hotmail Survivor

Day 1: Today I got what’s called an “email address.” It’s da bomb! I could select any personal designation I wanted to communicate with the outside world, so I went with CaptainDookie23_1998@hotmail.com.

Day 96: Email is such a convenient means of communication. Staying in touch with loved ones and spreading offensive jokes is easier than ever. Hotmail rocks!

Day 2,121: Most people are moving away from Hotmail over to Gmail. Not me. In my book, only cowards change their email when a better and more convenient option becomes available.

Day 3,623: Overheard people at work saying Hotmail is for old people and raging losers. But then I sent all those people an email explaining why that wasn’t true, so I’m pretty sure everything’s all cleared up.

Day 4,674: I’ve learned that my Hotmail emails appear suspicious, and often go straight to people’s junk mail. Though it’s not a problem because I just follow up with six more emails or a quick in-person visit to check that they got my first email.

Day 5,475: Been thinking of changing my email, but the deep-seated dread of writing an email to inform my contacts that I’m switching emails is simply too much to bear. I can’t let down past acquaintances from 15 years ago whom I no longer keep in contact with, nor ever plan on contacting ever again. Besides, how could I ever find the words to communicate, “Hey, I have a new email address, and here it is.” Virtually impossible.

Day 6,310: Replied to a Nigerian Prince today though he was hesitant about working with someone who has Hotmail.

Day 7,533: Things are looking up! People who used to laugh behind my back about my Hotmail are now laughing right in my face.

Day 9,125: Lost my job and no recruiter will respond to my Hotmail address because they think it’s a joke. I live under a bridge with a family of smug raccoons.

Day 9,933: There’s a reality television program about how my life was upended by Hotmail. It’s called Raging Loser, on ABC.

Day 10,512: The Regime have defeated the Rebels. All communication methods have been forbade by the unmerciful Ai Automata command. Except Hotmail, because no one, not even the inexorable android battalion, could imagine anyone with the balls to still use it.

Day 11,146: Earth as we know it ceases to exist. There are very few humans alive. Cannibalism is commonplace. I’m not getting much email, probably because “Hotmail” sounds like some kinda sleazy adult content provider.

Day 12,811: Aliens have landed. They are most curious about us remaining “Hotmailers.” They view us as inexplicable conductors of an ancient relic. We are the chosen ones. So glad I stayed strong all this time!

Day 12,812: Saw the aliens unroll their long tongues and laugh behind my back. They plan to run experiments on me and my stunning amount of junk mail. Obviously must keep my Hotmail or risk appearing weak.

Day 13,532: Hosanna most high! Hotmail is Heaven’s preferred email account. I’m highly respected here, and not a raging loser. God bless!

Day 15,234: I have been completely ostracized from my brethren and sistren. There exists a subreddit called “Hotmailers Can Burn In Hell.”

Day 383,848,494,499,329,291,232,125,292: I switched to Gmail today! I like it so far. Though I will not be changing my phone number anytime soon.

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